Little Drabbles
by JaggedHands
Summary: I'm gonna start posting all my little, one shot, drabble stories in here so they're all in one place. Hope you'll enjoy them.
1. Dark Dreams

Dark Dreams

Sweaty, shaky and out of breath.

Amanda bolted out of bed for the fifth time this week, gasping for air as her tears clouded her vision and her chest aching from the forceful heartbeats in the aftermath of the terrible dream. Going back to sleep was not an option, she knew that. Instead she would have to spend yet another night watching tv and drinking pot after pot of coffee to stay awake, trying to keep busy so her mind wouldn't travel back to that horrible time when Patton had raped her.

It happened years ago but the Reese Taymore case had brought it all back up to the surface again and she felt as if she was sinking into a bottomless pit no matter how hard she tried to stay afloat. She never talked about it, never uttered a word to anybody about what had happened all those years ago, except for Olivia. She knew. She knew what Amanda had endured but no details had ever been spoken of. The dreams were so real, so vivid that she could feel, smell and hear Patton everywhere, behind every corner, lurking in the dark and she was constantly on her watch, nervous, jumpy and extremely tired.

The dark circles under her eyes spoke of her fatigue and exhaustion and make up wasn't even an option any longer. They were too prominent, too visible for anyone not to take notice. The time on her phone showed that it was just after two am and she had only slept for a couple of hours before she had, once again, woken up screaming from an all too familiar nightmare and there was no way she could go back to sleep now.

She drained the first cup of coffee in less than two minutes before pouring herself another one, sat down on the couch and turned the tv on. The background sound was somewhat soothing and it slowly brought her back to the present and her heart and breathing returned to normal. She never thought it could get this bad. She had suffered bad nightmares months after she was assaulted but they had faded with time and eventually vanished all together but now, this time, it was different. She didn't seem to be able to catch a break and when she did, it only lasted for a short period of time, not long enough to catch up on some sleep or even eat a proper meal and because of that, her stomach was in knots.

She could no longer focus on her job, her mind was elsewhere, her attention span was short and her mood low and snappy with a short fuse to top it all off. Her life was a mess. She was a mess.

There was nothing on the tv that interested her but she still kept on surfing the channels in hopes that something would come up to hep her keep busy. A familiar pressure was building deep within her chest, like a heavy weight that had been placed upon her, restricting her breathing and squeezing whatever air she had left out of her lungs. She knew that coffee was bad for anxiety, very bad, but if she didn't get enough caffeine in her run down system, she would surely suffer nightmare after nightmare. Sleep was simply not an option.

The tightness in her chest became too much and she began to wheeze. The tv was no longer helping, the coffee was forgotten about and all she could see, hear, feel and smell was Patton's aftershave, his evil snarl, his deep throaty laugh and his rough hands as they groped at her most intimate body parts. She was lost.

She fumbled with her phone. Scared, alone and on the brink of a panic attack, she called the only person she felt safe calling, especially at this god forsaken hour of the morning. Olivia. A few months ago the thought of calling her boss, in the middle of the night just because she had suffered a bad dream, wouldn't even had entered her mind. She had always been a private person, a dependable and responsible adult who could take care of things herself, no matter what life threw at her but now, she felt absolutely and utterly alone and broken. She wanted Olivia, needed Olivia.

"Amanda, what's wrong? Do we have a case?"

The sleepy and raspy voice of her Lieutenant echoed inside her brain and it was obvious that she had woken her up. What sane person would be awake at this time anyway? Of course she was asleep, why wouldn't she be?

"Amanda? What's going on?" she repeated when there was no reply.

"Li... Liv! Hel... help me!" she stuttered as the wheezing became worse, the velvetly and concerned tone in the Lieutenant's voice caused tears to well up and roll down her face.

Olivia was now wide awake, sitting up in bed, hair toussled from sleep. "What's happening, Amanda? Where are you? Are you at home in your apartment?"

"Ye... yes! Please, I... I can't... I can't breathe. Panic... I... I can't... I can't..."

"Shh, honey, easy." she hushed into the phone, her heart clenching as she heard her co-worker's strangled sobs. "Are you having a panic attack?" The ragged breathing hitched as Amanda let out a barely audible 'yes' followed by gut wrenching gasps for air. "Okay, sweetheart. I want you to sit or lie down somewhere comfortable, close your eyes, place your hands on your stomach and breath. I'm on my way over to you but, until I get there, I want you to try and get your breathing under control, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can, I'm already up getting dressed so I shouldn't be too long. Can you hold on for me, honey?"

Liv had Amanda on loudspeaker so she had both hands free to dress herself and get ready. She didn't care what time it was, night or day, Amanda clearly needed her help in some way, shape or form and she felt somewhat honoured that the young blonde had decided to call her and not her partner.

She drove as fast as she could, breaking many speed limits but that was the last thing on her mind to worry about. Amanda had promised to try and focus on her breathing while waiting for her boss and friend to show up but it was proven difficult as the images of Patton wouldn't leave her alone no matter how hard she fought to keep the away. She was somewhat surprised herself that she had actually woken her superior officer in the middle of the night, crying like a baby and begging for her help and the shame and embarrassment began to slowly creep up. It was a very unprofessional and inappropriate thing to do, especially when it involves your boss, but the strong hold of the panic attack brought out a raw and primal fear within her that she didn't recognize or were familiar with and it scared her.

Liv had told her to close her eyes but the image of Patton's devilish grin played in front of her every time she did and decided to keep them wide open, focusing on a point on the wall behind the tv, trying to slow down and regulate her intake of air. She was almost frozen to the spot, not aware of what was going on around her at the time and didn't even hear Olivia's frantic pounding on the door or her loud concerned tone echoing through the empty hallway on the other side of the door.

"Amanda, can you hear me? It's me, Olivia, are you okay? Can you open the door for me, sweetheart?" nothing. "Damn it, Rollins, open this door right now or I'll break it down myself." she placed her ear against the hard wooden surface, listening for any type of noise coming from inside and she could make out faint sobs and cries from behind the door. "Move away from the door, sweetie, I'm coming in."

With one single powerful kick, the door swung open with a loud bang, startling Amanda who had spent the past twenty minutes trying to calm down. She screamed at the unexpected noise and flew up from her seated position on the couch, hands held out in front of her as if to protect herself from an invisible threat, tears streaming down her cheeks, creating wet streaks down along her face.

"Hey, honey, it's just me, I'm not gonna hurt you. I knocked on the door several times but you must've been too upset to hear me, ugh? Are you okay? What happened?" slowly she approached the upset and panic ridden blonde, hands spread out along her sides to show Amanda that she ment her no harm and that she was there to help. "Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you?"

As soon as Amanda realized that it was Liv and not a threat, she wrapped her arms around her middle and slumped forward, crying hysterically. "I'm sorry, I'm s-s sorry, I..."

"Don't apologize, honey. Never apologize for calling if you need me. I'm glad that you called and I'm here because I want to help you with whatever is going on. Can you tell me why you're so upset, sweetie? What brought this on?" the need to take Amanda into her arms and hold her tight was so strong but she refrained from it for the moment, hoping that the younger woman would initiate physical contact if she wanted.

It was difficult to hear what Amanda was trying to say. Between forceful sobs, gasps and sniffles, she could only make out a few words and had to put two and two together. "I... I was asleep and... and I... and I was dre-dreaming... Patton he... he hurt me, I... I.. I saw him, c-couldn't get away, h-he held me down and..."

"Okay, okay, slow down honey." Liv understood what she was trying to say and it was obvious that the nightmare must've been very real for Amanda to act the way she was. The blonde was dressed in shorts and a tank top, a large noticeable patch of sweat was showing on her upper chest but she could see the goosebumps on her slender arms and legs. "Why don't we sit down on the couch and I'll get you a blanket. You must be freezing."

Amanda stumbled on shaky legs and sat down in the corner of the sofa, trying to get her breathing to slow down as well as her heartbeat. She had never felt this scared and vulnerable after a nightmare before and it puzzled her, wondering why everything seemed so magnified this time, why she had decided to call Liv.

A blanket was suddenly draped across her lap and tucked around her shoulders, the warmth slowly penetrating her cool and clammy skin and a whiff of Olivia's perfume filled her nostrils, the calming scent of sweet and spicy made her, unconsciously, lean towards her boss, hungry for comfort and safety. Liv took it as a sign that it was okay to offer some physical support and tenderly roped her arms around the small form, almost pulling her into her lap. Amanda then drew her knees up to her chest, placed her head on the brunette's shoulder and cried.

"Oh, honey! It was just a bad dream, a really really bad dream. You're safe now and he can't hurt you anymore. I'm right here with you and I'm not going anywhere. You're safe, my love, you're safe."

It broke her heart listening to her friend's desperate cries for help and all she could do was to hold, sooth and talk calmly to her until the storm would pass, no matter how long it would take.

"I'm so sorry for waking you up, Liv. I... I shouldn't be feeling this way, I shouldn't be feeling the need to be... to be... comforted. I..."

"Why not, honey? Why do you think that?" Liv hushed into her ear, letting her fingers comb through tangled blonde and sweaty locks. "Tell me."

The soothing motion of her Lieutenant's digits gently scraping against her scalp caused her to snuggle closer into the warm embrace and Olivia adjusted them both so that the blonde was now fully in her lap, tucked inside the thick blanket. "It happened so long ago. I... I don't understand why I'm feeling this way now, after all those years. I just... I feel like like it just happened, as if I was just... just... just... raped." the last word came sputtering out as if it was filled with venom, her body shaking almost violently as she said it out loud.

Liv just held on to the quivering form, rocking them both from side to side in a slow but steady rhythm, her left hand holding her in place as her right one kept up the comforting movement of stroking her head and hair. "There's no time limit on your feelings, honey. It doesn't matter if it happened yesterday, last week or even ten years ago. You went through a trauma and we all have different ways of dealing with things. The Taymore case obviously brought up bad memories for you, thoughts and feelings that you probably didn't realize that you had and it's all coming back to you through nightmares, panic attacks and flashbacks. It's completely understandable, sweetheart."

Amanda had buried her face in the crook of Olivia's neck, absorbing the warmth and comfort that the older woman so willingly offered, breathing in her scent and relishing the softness of the tanned skin. "I thought I was doing fine." she mumbled, bringing a hand up to swipe it across her red rimmed eyes, shivering again as she felt a gentle kiss being placed on the top of her head.

"Well, maybe you were for a while, honey, but sometimes it can come back when you least expect it and it's your body's way of telling you to deal with it in a healthy and proper way so you can finally begin to heal. I'm right here with you and I will do whatever you need to help you get through this." Liv whispered fiercely into her ear and kissed a flushed cheek.

"I don't want him in my head anymore, Liv." she whimpered and the shivers started once again, the sweat, caused by the nightmare, that was previously coating her skin, was now drying, making her tremble with the cold.

"I know, sweetpea, I know. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make him go away, I promise you that. Right now, we need to get you into a warm pair of pajama and then tucked into bed. You're absolutely freezing, honey."

Olivia guided the blonde into her bedroom and, with Amanda's help, she found a thick fleecy top with pants to match and helped her get dressed. Even tucked underneath the covers she couldn't stop shaking and Olivia sat by her side, rubbing her hands up and down Amanda's back, hips and arms, trying to speed up the process. "Try to relax, sweetie. You'll warm up soon."

"I'm so cold, Liv." Amanda's teeth were shattering, the noise echoing through the silent room engraving itself into Olivia's heart.

The brunette ran her fingers through disheveled blonde locks and cocked her head to one side, looking down at the petite curled up form, her eyes full of concern, care and kindness. "Do you trust me, honey?"

Frowning, Amanda nodded, not entirely sure why Olivia would ask her that particular question. She trusted her boss with her life and knew that she would do anything for anyone in the squad, probably even break the law in some cases since the tie between all the detective's were very strong, like a family.

She watched as Liv removed her long coat, revealing a pair of black yoga pants and a sweatshirt underneath, kicked her shoes off and swiftly slid under the covers next to the frozen younger woman. "Come here, honey." Liv's voice was low and husky, soothing and reassuring at the same time and Amanda only hesitated for a split second before she crawled closer to the tall Lieutenant and felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her, holding her close.

It was a very intimate position to be in, especially with her boss, but the need to feel safe and cared for after the horrors of her dream was stronger than the urge to pull away. Instead, she nestled her face into the crook of Olivia's neck, savoring the scent and the softness of the woman holding her so tenderly, feeling the warmth radiating from her body, penetrating her own chilled skin.

"Thank you for letting me do this, Amanda."

The sound of Olivia's voice startled her slightly after a long silence and the blonde could now feel her body temperature returning to normal, her shivering almost gone. "Do what?" she questioned, not sure what the brunette ment by that.

"Thank you for calling me, asking me for help and for letting me hold and comfort you. I know how hard that must've been for you and I really admire you for that." Liv explained as she slowly rubbed a hand up and down the length of her back, creating soothing patterns on the fleecy material of Amanda's pajama top, hoping it would help her relax.

"I feel... I feel weak... vulnerable... pathetic. I shouldn't need coddling, I'm a grown woman for god's sake. I can't believe I turned out to be such a mess." she sniffled, feeling Olivia tighten the embrace.

"There's nothing wrong with that, honey. You're only human and you can't be strong all the time and that's where we come in, the squad, your friends, your family. We are your family, Amanda, whether you like it or not and I'm more than willing to help you with whatever you need. Asking for help is not a weakness, it's a strength."

The sleepy blonde just cuddled closer to the warmth of the body next to her, feeling a wave of security she's never felt before but she was still apprehensive to fall asleep, knowig what would more than likely be waiting for her at the other end of unconsciousness. "Im scared to fall asleep. I don't want Patton to hurt me anymore." she whimpered, her bottom lip quivering with emotion and exhaustion, the need to sleep getting stronger by the second.

Liv could feel the warm tears on her skin and the slight tremble coming from Amanda's body and she ran her fingers down the soft wet cheek of her friend, kissing her temple. "I know it's scary but he can't hurt you anymore, I'll make sure of that. I'm gonna be right here next to you the whole time and if you have a bad dream then I'll be here, holding you and guiding you through it, sweetheart. I'll keep you safe."

With those last few words echoing inside her mind, Amanda eventually drifted off, warm and safe in the arms of the one person who meant the world to her.

The End.


	2. Hug Me

Hug me.

The perp had hit her hard. Really hard. Her left eye was already forming a nice size bruise and her head was pounding furiously in protest. Fin and Carisi was hovering around her, constantly asking her if she was alright and that she should be seen by a doctor but the stubborn blonde refused, insisting that she was fine and okay to continue working.

"Y'all have to stop hovering over me like flies on a pile of poop. I'm okay so stop pestering me about it."

"You know Liv is gonna _make_ you go to the hospital, right?" Carisi added as they walked back to their squad car, ready to return to the precinct.

"She can try." Amanda grinned, hiding her pysical pain very well. She was dizzy, she admitted that, only to herself of course, and her vision was slightly blurred but not too bad, thinking she was probably just dazed from the powerful blow. The thought of going to the hospital was not appealing as she would, more than likely, have to wait for at least a couple of hours to be seen by a doctor, then there was all the paperwork, plus Olivia would _make_ her take a few days off.

Back in squadroom things were unusually busy. It was saturday, which ment more victims than any other day of the week due to partying and drinking the night before. The loud obnoxious sounds in the crowded room was drilling a hole into her brain and she couldn't wait for the day to be over but it was only noon and, knowing that she had several hours left of her shift, made everything worse.

Olivia was nowhere to be seen, which was a relief as the older woman would have a fit if she knew Amanda was working with an injury. Hiding the pain was one thing but there was nothing she could do about the ugly bruise that was rapidly forming around her left eye and cheekbone. Make-up would not make any difference, she knew that, so she didn't even bother to try and hide it, thinking it would probably make it look even worse.

"Put some ice on it, Rollins." Fin stated as he passed her out behind her desk.

"That would make it even more obvious if Liv walks in. I don't want her to think that I'm not capable of doing my job. I'll be fine, besides, it's too late to ice it now."

Fin chuckled. "You know that the big nasty bruise you have there is plenty obvious, right?"

The blonde rolled her eyes, winching slightly. "Thanks, that makes me feel so much better. Liv is gonna rip me a new one for not getting it seen to."

"Getting what seen to?"

Amanda's body stiffened as she heard the voice of her boss right behind her. Taking a deep breath she plastered a big smile onto her face and turned around, revealing her blue eye and swollen cheek.

"Oh my...! What happened?" her right hand was immediately placed underneath her subordinate's chin and tilted her head up so she could assess the damage. "You okay? Any blurred vision, nausea or headache?"

"Our suspect got physical when we tried to question him this morning." Fin filled her in, not giving Amanda a chance to speak for herself.

"I can speak for myself, Fin." she grunted and turned her attention back to the Lieutenant. "I'm fine. Just a slight headache, nothing serious."

Liv removed her hand and gave Amanda an uncertain look. "I know better than try to talk you into seeing a doctor so I'm not even gonna go there. If you start feeling worse you let me know immediately, and that's an order."

"Copy that, Lieutenant."

Amanda put on a brave face the whole day. She tried not to make sudden movements when turning her head, avoiding eye contact with the guys, knowing that they would definitely pick up on her discomfort if she did, and she also popped a couple of painkillers in secret, not wanting anyone to know about it.

Fin was the first one to announce his departure. "I'm heading out, guys. Having dinner with my son, his partner and my grandson. Don't stay up too late, kids." he joked, sometimes feeling as if he was old enough to be the younger detective's father but would never admit it out loud.

Thirty minutes after Fin had left, Carisi finally stood up and stretched out his stiff muscles. "That's my paperwork done. There's a documentary on discovery channel that I've been dying to watch all week. Wanna join me? It's about slugs, how they adapt in hot and dry weather as well as their breeding habits and how they have evolved through time."

The expression on Carisi's face told Amanda that he was being totally serious and she found it hard not to burst out laughing but managed to hold herself in check, afraid of hurting her colleague's feelings. "Sounds invigorating but I'm absolutely pooped so I need an early night for myself but you go ahead and educate yourself in the ways of snails."

"It's slugs, not snails, they're completely different." he stated as he slid his jacket on, straightening out the collar before he grabbed his keys and phone from his desk. "Put some ice on that when you get home."

Amanda watched him leave the bullpen and disappeared into the elevator that took him down to the ground floor. It got awfully quiet after her two fellow detectives left for the evening, the silence almost ringing in her ears, which caused her head to throb even more painfully; if that was even possible. Then, a faint rustling of papers could be heard from the Lieutenant's office and Amanda turned her attention towards her boss, who was currently deeply engrossed in paperwork.

She was beautiful. Stunning really. She often found herself mesmerized by the brunette's striking features, her smooth tanned skin and the thick luscious brown locks that bounced softly around her shoulders as she walked. It was more of a crush really. For years she had had feelings for her boss but knew that nothing could ever happen between them.

Olivia wasn't gay.

Olivia didn't have those kind of feelings towards Amanda. Olivia wasn't aware of the blonde's feelings towards her and Amanda wanted to keep it that way.

No, Olivia wasn't gay.

It was getting late and her head was furiously pounding and her eyes were stinging, especially her left one, where she had take the blow. The thought of going home to her own empty and quiet apartment didn't sound very appealing and she found herself trying to make up excuses to stay longer at work, even though there was literally nothing else she could possibly do to keep herself busy. Her stomach suddenly growled, letting her know that she had skipped lunch and it was now dinner time and still no food coming it's way.

The lack of nutrients and fluids made her tired and emotional, which she hated. She knew her body quite well and it was telling her to eat, drink and rest, and ice her swollen eye, but she wasn't ready to go home just yet. She didn't want to be alone, didn't want to spend another evening on her own watching shitty tv in her old flannel pajamas, drinking beer. The thought of it almost scared her and she tried to push it away but that was easier said than done and she soon felt tears burning her eyes, blinking angrily at them, urging then to stop.

"Rollins, you still here? How's the head?"

Damn, she hadn't heard her boss getting up from her desk and walking out of her office and she was now caught weeping pathetically at work like some whiny kid. Quickly, she cleared her throat and pretended to look busy while fluttering through her stack of papers that were already done. "Just a little sore. I'm fine, thanks." she responded, almost laughing at herself for being such a bad and obvious liar.

She could hear the heels of ber boss' boots as she came closer to where she was sitting and she was afraid to look up and meet her eyes in case Olivia would see her threatening tears. "If you're fine then why are you teary eyed?" she questioned softly.

Fuck!

She was obviously busted without even establishing eye contact and she knew then that there was nothing she could do or say to try and convince her boss that everything was fine. "The light is irritating my eyes, that's all." she mumbled, still going through her finished paperwork for, what must be, the fifth time.

Liv didn't buy it, of course, and couldn't help but to smile gently at her co worker's stubbornness. "Can you look at me, Amanda?"

No way! She thought, almost panicking over the whole situation and the fact that her boss had unfortunately noticed her damn tears. "I... I'm quite busy, Liv." frantically, she went through the papers again, pulling out random ones, pretending to read some parts more thoroughly than others, acting as if she was actively searching for something.

The older woman sighed softly and closed the distance between the two, Amanda too engrossed and trapped inside her panic ridden state to notice. When a large and warm hand suddenly covered her fidgety fingers, squeezing them gently in an attempt to still them, Amanda froze and her heart rapidly picked up speed, every beat thumping in her ears.

"Look at me, Amanda."

In this moment she hated her boss. Hated her for being so persistent, hating her for being so tentative, hating her for being so soft and gentle in her approach, causing more tears to well up and threaten to spill down her flushed cheeks.

There was no escaping this.

Slowly, she lifted her head and diverted her gaze from the sheets of paper in her hands to the kind and concerned look on Olivia's face. She also hated herself in that moment. The weakness and vulnerability, that she was currently emitting, caused her face to flush violently from embarrassment and she could feel her bottom lip quivering, silently cursing herself underneath her breath.

"It's okay, honey." Liv cooed gently, kneeled down next to her by the desk, turned her chair around to face her. "Do you need a hug?"

Without thinking twice about it, Amanda shakily held her arms out towards the Lieutenant as a faint sob escaped her lips. She had never felt so needy and clingy before and it was a frightening discovery and experience that she'd rather not go through but here she was, breaking down over a headache, a bruised eye and the embarrassment of it all was simply just too much.

To Olivia, the young blonde resembled the look of a small child, spreading her arms out for her mother to pick her up for a cuddle or for a few moments of comfort after being hurt or frightened. It was almost amusing to watch, as Amanda was one of the strongest and composed women she had ever met in her life during all her years working in the field, and somehow it made her happy and relieved that the younger woman finally showed some of her true emotions, although it was unfortunate that it had to come to this extremity.

"Come here, sweetheart. You're okay." she hushed in a gentle tone while she quickly discarded her handbag and tenderly pulled the blonde into her arms, rubbing one hand up and down her back while her other supported the blonde head against her shoulder. "Head hurts, ugh?"

Amanda nodded. "Yeah, but it's not too bad. I'm just... I'm just... just..."

"Just what, honey?" Liv gently pressed, wanting Amanda to feel comfortable and safe to tell her what was on her mind. "A little emotional after the day's event, plus you didn't eat anything?"

Amanda pulled away and frowned. "How did..."

"You think I don't see things? I'm a detective, Amanda, I see everything." she whispered and offered the blonde a soft smile. "Come on, I'll take you to your place, we can order some food and just relax for the evening. What do you say?" tenderly, Olivia tucked a blonde strand behind Amanda's ear, caressing a soft cheek as she retracted her hand.

The younger woman felt her skin tingle where Liv's hand had touched her and her stomach fluttered like crazy. "S... sure."

The End.


	3. Frannie Mae

Frannie Mae

 **My dear readers,**

 **This is a one shot that I haven't been able to get out of my head for a long time. It's quite sad so... be warned. Thank you.**

"Where's your partner, Fin? She's late."

Fin turned the chair by his desk to face his boss coming out of her office, glasses perched on the tip of her nose.

"She didn't tell you?" he frowned, surprised that Amanda hadn't called their Lieutenant to inform her that she wouldn't be coming in today.

"Tell me what?" she asked, instantly getting a gut feeling that something wasn't right. "She okay?"

"Frannie died. It happened last night." he stated, sounding sad and worried at the same time. "She took her for a run around in the park and when they got home Frannie went to sleep and, when Amanda went to check on her, she wouldn't wake up. I asked her if she wanted some company but refused, saying she wanted to be on her own. I thought she would've let you know."

Olivia just stood there, rooted to the floor, frowning in concern, eyes blinking rapidly as if to clear her wild array of thoughts that were swirling inside her brain. Why hadn't she called her to let her know what had happened? Why had she told Fin and not her?

"Um, no... she didn't. Have you spoken to her this morning?" her heart had picked up speed and the genuine concern for her detective and friend was evident.

"No, cause I know what she's like. Thought I'd give her some time to grieve, Frannie ment a lot to her, more than you think."

"I know." Liv responded. She knew. She knew just how much that dog ment to Amanda and how much she loved and cherished her beloved pet. She knew how much of an impact an animal could have on someone's life and she knew that Amanda must be devastated by the loss. "I'm gonna head over there, see how she's doing."

"She wants to be left alone, Liv." he insisted, knowing his partner like the back of his own hand.

"She shouldn't be alone at a time like this. Will you hold down the fort for a few hours until I get back?" she was already on the move, knowing that Fin would gladly be in charge for a while.

"Sure thing, Liv. Give her my love."

She knocked several times on the apartment door without any luck. Placing her ear up against the wooden surface, she listened for any kind of noise or sound that would indicate Amanda's presence but heard nothing but silence. She desperately wanted to know how she was doing and the thought of kicking in the door had passed through her mind many times but decided against it as Amanda would surely give her a kick up the ass if she did.

She fumbled with the phone in her hand, not knowing whether to call Fin or just head back to the station, when she heard footsteps approaching from her left and spotted the small blonde as she ascended the stairs, head hung low and posture slumped. "Amanda!" she softly called out and watched as the younger woman came to a full stop and raised her head.

The sad and miserable mask on her subordinate's face was almost too much for Olivia to bear. The usually clear blue eyes were red rimmed and puffy with dark circles underneath them, her hair looked dull and lifeless as it hung loosely around her shoulders and complexion was ghostly white and drawn, like someone who hadn't seen the sun in weeks on end.

"Liv, I... I'm not coming in today. I thought Fin would've told you." she croaked, her throat dry and tight from crying and holding her emotions in check. She fished around in her coat pocket for her keys as she approached Olivia by the door, allowing the brunette to get a clear view of Amanda's broken and defeated features.

"He did tell me, Amanda, and I'm so very sorry. I know how much Frannie ment to you." Liv stepped to the side as the blonde got the door open and after Amanda disappeared into the hallway, Olivia wasn't sure what to do as there was no welcoming invite that suggested that she could enter.

"You can come in, you know." Amanda stated from inside the livingroom area, her voice surprisingly strong but uneven.

A sigh of relief was evident as Liv entered the apartment, closing the front door behind her. Just as she stepped inside, she could hear the familiar rustling of a plastic bag and she immediately spotted Amanda with a large black waste bag, tossing all of Frannie's stuff into it, her bed, toys, food bowls and various accessories along with a frizbee and several tennis balls.

"Amanda, what are you doing?" Liv demanded, unsure as to what Amanda was up to. As she stepped closer she could easily make out fresh tears brimming in her bloodshot eyes, threatening to fall any second.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" the blonde quickly replied as she maneuvered around the living space and the kitchen, picking up a small selection of things that belonged to her beloved pet, again, tossing it into the bag. "She's gone, I don't need her stuff here anymore. I'll give it to charity."

Olivia carefully moved alongside her, not knowing if she should let her carry on with clearing Frannie's things or if she should put a stop to it right away. "It has only been a day, Amanda. Give yourself some time to process everything. It's still all so fresh, honey. You don't have to do this now."

Amanda stopped in the middle of the living room, bag in hand, rooted to the floor, eyes glossed over and chest and shoulders heaving, straining to get air into her lungs. "I... I need to do this now. I _have_ to do this now."

"Amanda." her name escaped Olivia's lips like a soft whisper floating through the room and settled deep inside the blonde's soul, caressing it warmly, almost motherly.

"I can't..." her words got caught in her throat and she immediately brought her free hand up to cover her mouth to stiffle the gut wrenching sobs that were now starting to tear through Amanda's whole being.

Olivia's deep brown eyes stung with unshed tears as she watched her friend break right in front of her. Out of pure instinct and the need to nurture, the brunette took three long strides, now facing Amanda and ever so gently roped an arm around her quivering shoulders and drew her close to her chest, hoping to provide some comfort. "Shhh, let go of the bag, honey, it's okay."

When Amanda didn't ease her grip of the plastic bag, Liv brought her hand down and began to carefully pry her stiff fingers open. The bag eventually fell onto the wooden floor boards with a soft thud and Olivia guided the now slack arm around her own waist, pulling Amanda closer while rubbing her back in soothing circles and rocked them both slowly from side to side.

"Where were you just now?" Liv quietly questioned, not wanting to break the moment.

Struggling, Amanda tried to speak but it was difficult. "Took her to... to the v-vets, they'll arr-enge for her to be... to be cre-mated." she hiccuped, feeling Olivia's fingers comb through her blonde tresses. "I... I ca-n't... I... I can't..."

"Easy, sweetheart, I've got you." she cooed into a nearby ear. "I'm so so sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you to make it hurt a little less. I know how much you loved her, Amanda."

The young blonde kept shaking inside Olivia's arms, crying, even though she thought she had no more tears left to shed, her body weakened and wobbly from all the sobbing she had done the past several hours. She was drained. "I just wa-nt her b-ack, Liv." It sounded like a plea, a cry for something she would never get, something that was impossible.

The half full bag was left on the floor, temporarily forgotten, as Liv softly ushered her friend towards the bedroom. "Come on, honey, let's get you into bed."

Amanda didn't protest, too tired to argue, too tired to cry but the tears still kept on coming by their own accord, trickling down her pale cheeks in small rivulets of salty moisture. Olivia pulled the covers back on one side, guiding the blonde underneath them and tucked it gently around the petite form, making sure she was fully covered. "Do you want me to stay for a while? I don't mind." she smoothed down blonde strands of hair with her hand and gazed at the woman with concern and care, wanting desperately to take away the pain in Amanda's pale blue eyes.

"Please." she mumbled, her nose stuffy and her whole head felt like a giant mass of led, weighing her down onto the pillow.

"Scoot over a bit, honey." Amanda moved a couple of feet to her left and felt the brunette get in, wrapping them both tightly with the blankets.

Out of pure habit, Amanda slipped an arm underneath her pillow, her favourite way to sleep, and her hand came in contact with something hard and plasticy. Wrapping her fingers around the object, she pulled it out, jumping slightly as it let out a loud squeak. It was Frannie's favourite toy. A colourful plastic shoe that squeaked every time she would bite down on it, the teeth marks on it very noticeable.

"This was her favourite." she quietly stated and simply held it in her hand, stared at it as if she hadn't a clue what to do with it. Then, a few seconds later, she clutched the shoe against her chest and a fresh round of tears and sobs erupted, echoing through the room, probably the whole apartment.

Liv turned in the bed, now facing Amanda, watching the way her friend clung to the squeaky toy as if it was her only lifeline. As gently as she could, she slipped an arm underneath Amanda's neck and used her other to pull the quivering mess close to her front, hushing her softly, murmuring words of comfort.

"Things will be okay, sweetheart, I promise you that. She's still with you and always will be. No one can take that away from you, no one. They are your memories to keep and to treasure, no one else's. Shhhh, just rest now, I'll be right here."

Amanda eventually cried herself into a restless sleep while Olivia continued to hold her.

The End.


	4. Sex Is The Best Medicine

Sex Is The Best Medicine

She woke from her light slumber as she heard the familiar sound of a key being turned and the front door opened. Too tired to open her eyes or even move an inch, she continued to lay there, fully aware of who it was. She was grateful for the amount of consideration Olivia was showing by not turning on the main lights or being too loud as she walked inside the apartment and dropped her handbag on the kitchen counter. She even removed her shoes so the heels of her boots wouldn't create too much noise against the hard wooden floor.

Amanda became aware of the couch dipping slightly as the brunette sat down next to her sprawled out form, huddled beneath a mountain of blankets. A cool hand was then gently pressed against her warm forehead and soft knuckles caressed her cheek up and down a couple of times before a pair of lips tenderly kissed the corner of her mouth. Sleepily, she fluttered her eyes open and was met with a pair of deep brown eyes so full of care, love and concern that it made Amanda's heart warm.

"Hi, baby. How are you feeling?" she whispered, sparing her girlfriend any obnoxiously loud noises by using a low and soft voice.

"Like death." the blonde mumbled, her throat dry and sore.

The oldern woman brushed messy fair tresses away from Amanda's sleepy features, pouting slightly in sympathy. "Oh, my poor baby. I'm so sorry I was absent all day but I had several meetings and when I came back to the precinct Fin told me he had sent you home cause you weren't feeling well. I got worried and came straight here." she tucked the blankets more tightly around the petite form and, again, brushed her knuckles over a feverish forehead and cheek.

"What's wrong, honey? What can I do to make you feel better?"

Just the calming and nurturing presence of the Lieutenant made everything seem better somehow and all Amanda wanted was to crawl into her girlfriend's lap, for strong arms to wrap around her and hold her close, never to let go, but held back as she hated to feel so vulnerable in front of others, even Olivia. "I hate this." she mumbled, throat dry and raspy, cheeks flushed, runny nose and teary eyed, even though she had silently promised herself not to cry.

Looking down at Amanda's sickly features and toussled hair caused Olivia's heart to swell with a ray of different emotins and the need to comfort and sooth the younger woman became almost overwhelming. "I know you do, baby, I know. I hate to see you like this. I wish I could make you feel all better." she stroked a cool hand down the side of Amanda's face, frowning slightly at the warmth of her skin. "You've got quite the fever." she sofly stated. "Did you take anything for it?" the blonde just shook her head, eyes half opened in a feverish state.

Liv shook her head and smiled sadly. "What am I gonna do with you, my lovely, hmm? Have you been lying here since you got home?"

"Yeah," Amanda croaked, voice tired and unsteady. "I didn't want to lie in bed in a quiet room, all alone, so I decided that the couch would be a better option where I could watch some tv but I guess I fell asleep."

"I guess you did, sweetheart." the brunette tilted her head to the side and gazed down at her girlfriend, her face full of love, pride and admiration, the love shining through her eyes as she watched Amanda smile softly even though she was feeling so poorly. "Do you want to get up and, maybe, have a shower? Might make you feel better?"

Amanda could feel herself blush but her feverish cheeks hid it quite well and she hoped that Liv wouldn't notice. "Um, actually... I... I don't have any clothes on." she confessed, her eyes avoiding Olivia's at any cost.

The older woman raised her eyebrows in surprise and amusement, her lips forming into a faint smile. "Are you telling me you're butt naked under there?"

Amanda rolled her eyes, groaned and blushed, tugging the covers further up over her body, all the way up to her chin. "I was too hot so I got undressed but I'm still too hot."

"That's the fever, honey. A cool shower will make you feel better, come on, I'll help you." she held out her hands for Amanda to take but the blonde just narrowed her eyes and glared at her.

"You just want to see my naked booty." she pouted and blew out a heavy sigh, muttering. "God, I'm so hot."

"That you are, my lovely, but I still think that a cool shower would do you some good. Come on, get your naked booty into the bathroom."

In a swift motion, Amanda removed the blankets, letting them fall to the floor, revealing her completely nude body for her girlfriend, grinning slightly as she watched the dark brown eyes of Olivia travel up and down her naked frame, her stare lingering as they reached her most intimate parts. "You like what you see, Lieutenant?" she teased, spreading her legs open a bit for her girlfriend, only to close them again almost immediately.

Liv moaned and felt a rush of warmth spreading in her groin area, arousal instantly making itself known. "Are you trying to kill me? We can't do anything, you're sick."

"It's just a fever and it's making me sooo hot." again, Amanda opened her legs but did not close them this time. Instead she brought her right hand down between them and stroked herself up and down her slit with the tip of her index finger, moaning at the contact. "I can feel how hot I am. Please Liv, help me."

That was all it took for the Lieutenant before she dropped to her knees by the couch and helped Amanda to sit up. She grabbed a hold of the blonde's hand, that was still trapped between two well shaped porcelain thighs, removed it and immediately pushed her legs apart, as wide as they would allow and inhaled Amanda's sweet and musky scent. Quickly, she latched onto the pink twitching and protruding bundle of nerves and flicked it with her tongue, hearing Amanda gasp as soon as her lips made contact with her sensitive flesh.

"Oh, fuck! That feels so good, please, don't stop, Liv."

Hearing her girlfriend moaning with arousal, begging her not to stop, made her all hot and bothered and she could feel her own wetness building rapidly, pooling in her panties. She hummed against the blonde's clitoris, knowing that she liked the vibrations that it caused and she was right. Amanda squirmed and arched her back, pushing herself closer against Olivia's skillful working mouth and tongue.

The Lieutenant smiled and added a finger, then two against her lover's dripping opening before inserting them both in a swift movement. With Amanda seated on the couch, legs bent backwards and spread wantonly, Olivia continued to add pressure to her clitoris with her tongue by flicking, licking and circling it, the blonde squirming in delight as she looked down at the beautiful brunette between her thighs, working her magic.

"Oh my god, you're gonna make me cum, you're gonna make me cum, ooh!"

Liv let go of the sensitive bud but kept her fingers right where they were. "Not so fast, my love. I want to get you all worked up first. Don't you dare cum until I say so." she licked around the twitching glistening clit, teasing her to no end until Liv gently spanked her bottom. "Turn around, get on your knees and rest your elbows on top of the backrest."

Amanda did as she was told and could instantly feel Olivia's right hand between her legs again, fingers inside her heated cave while she wrapped her left hand around the blonde's hips so she could get access to the needy clit, rubbing it in small but fast circles, making Amanda squirm. "Oh fuck!"

She could feel how ready her love was by the generous amount of juices seeping out from Amanda's soaked opening. Her fingers easily slid in and out as she pumped them in a steady rhythm, a rhythm that matched her other hand. "You like that, baby, hmm? God, you're so wet for me, you're absolutely soaking, sweetheart." she gathered some of the wetness onto her thumb, slid her digit up a bit and began to play around the rim of Amanda's butthole, causing the woman to stiffen and gasp.

"Holy fuck!"

Immediately Olivia withdrew her thumb, thinking she had gone too fast, too soon. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I won't go there if you're not ready. You okay?" bending forward she cocked her head to the side to get a proper look at the blonde's face, making sure she was okay.

Her concern was clear and Amanda almost felt sorry for making her believe she had done something wrong or something that was not appropriate but her drenched sex, pulsating with need, currently overpowered anything else and she pushed her backside up against Olivia's fingers that were still buried deep within her pussy. "No, please! Don't stop, I want you to. Please, I... I want to know what it feels like."

The sweat from the high fever had started to create a thin layer all over her body with droplets rolling down her upper lip, temples, forehead and back, her pores oozing heat. "Maybe we should stop, honey? You look like you're about to pass out. You're too sick."

Whimpering, she spread her knees further apart, giving Olivia better access to everything and anything she wanted to touch, pressing her ass against her hand, begging for friction. "I need you, Liv. Please, I need to cum so bad."

Caressing the smooth behind, Olivia resumed the motion of her fingers and hand, once again bringing her thumb up towards the tight opening, pressing gently against it. "So tight, baby. I don't want to hurt you. Can you relax for me, honey? Come on, relax your muscles and try to open up for me."

Having Olivia's finger against her anus was a completely new sensation all together. The intense pleasure it brought her was so strong it nearly pushed her over the edge but she managed to keep herself grounded and in control. "That's it, good girl. Just let me take care of you, baby."

As Olivia gently pushed two fingers into her soaked opening and her thumb into the tight hole, Amanda wildly bucked her hips, immediately craving more of the blissful torture. "Oh my god, fuck me, that feels sooo good. Don't stop, please, don't stop." she whimpered and worked up a rhythm with her pelvis that matched Olivia's speed perfectly, feeling the brunette's skillful long fingers deep inside of her.

"I won't stop my love. I'm not gonna stop until you cum for me." Liv's left hand was, once again, rubbing the blonde's protruding clit in fast circles, feeling how the wetness almost poured out of her, creating delicious sounds as they pumped against each other in a synchronized motion. The sweat on her neck had formed into beads and were now trickling down her toned and muscular back, creating a shine and a glow to her body that contoured her muscles and bones.

"Fuck! I'm so close, baby, so close. Fuck me harder, Liv, please!" she begged, frantically rocking her hips faster, her breathing turning heavy and ragged.

"I know, sweetie, I can feel how close you are. You feel so good against my fingers, so wet, so ready." Olivia whispered, keeping her movements steady and firm.

Suddenly, Amanda stiffened, her back arched, her breathing stopped and her mouth fell open in sheer ecstasy as she moaned through her release, pushing herself hard against Olivia's working hands. "Fuck, I... I'm cumming, I'm cumming!"

The brunette's long digits were touching her in all the right places and Olivia knew exactly where they were and how to reach them. However, this was a whole new sensation as she could feel the petite woman pulsate and contract around her thumb, temporarily trapping the finger in it's current tight spot. "That's it, baby, that's it! Good girl, just let yourself go. Keep cumming for me."

When Amanda finally collapsed against the cushions, Liv stopped her movements and gently eased her fingers out, leaving the blonde in a boneless heap and a quivering mess. "You okay, baby?" Liv leaned forward and brushed blonde tresses away from her heated face, taking a proper look at the woman. "You're not gonna pass out on me are you?"

Amanda's body was still convulsing from the intense orgasm, her whole frame jerking and trembling sporadically, like waves of pleasaure washing over her, too tired to speak. "Oh, sweetheart, come here." Liv cooed and easily scooped the shivering naked form into her arms and headed towards the bathroom. "I think a nice cool bath will do you some good, then I'll tuck you into bed, hmm?" she kissed a sweaty brow and settled her precious cargo on the toilet lid while she began to fill up the tub with lukewarm water.

Amanda was half asleep by the time she felt a cool palm flush against her heated cheek, her glossy eyes peering through almost closed eyelids, trying to focus on her worried girlfriend's face. "I'll help you to get in, honey. Come on, give me your hands."

The water felt good as she sank into it, cooling her down almost immediately and she let out a shuddering sigh of relief. "Feels good, ugh?" Liv was positioned on the tiled bathroom floor, next to the tub, her arm hanging over the edge and letting her fingertips skim the surface of the water, creating ripples. "Would you like me to wash your hair for you?"

"Please." Amanda mumbled, feeling her heavy eyes beginning to droop again as Olivia's gentle fingers massaged her scalp, working up a generous amount of foam all over the blonde's head and neck. About ten minutes later, the water had turned cold and Amanda had begun to shiver, her teeth shattering against each other and her skin breaking out in little goosebumps.

"I know you're cold, honey, just hang in there for a few more minutes. We need to get your body temperature down. Try to relax." Liv hushed, stroking gentle fingers over a, now, cool cheek.

Four more minutes was all Amanda could take before she pleaded to get out. It was hard on Olivia as well, having to witness the woman she loved being so cold and not being able to help. She wrapped the shivering form in a large towel and used another to dry her hair, not wanting Amanda to fall asleep with wet hair and cause her cold to get worse.

"I'm sti-ill c-cold, Liv." the blonde whimpered from underneath the bed covers as she curled into a little ball to try and warm herself up. "Maybe we sho-uld go for ro-round t-two to wa-rm me up?" a grin played at the corner of her lips, her eyes so heavy she could barely keep them open.

Liv chuckled at the request, letting her fingers comb through almost fully dried blonde tresses, looking down at her girlfriend from the edge of the bed. "You can barely keep your eyes open so I highly doubt that you'll be able for another round, missy. Rest, is all there is on the schedule for you, my lovely."

"You cou-ld at lea-st get in here a-nd warm m-me." Amanda stuttered, her hand fumbling with the sheets, trying to lift them so Olivia could slide in next to her.

There was nothing Olivia would rather do than to hold her girl close, to warm her, sooth her and to keep her safe. She didn't need to be asked twice and immediately scooted in beneath the thick blankets and pulled the woman she loved, more than life itself, as close as she possibly could to her front and began rubbing her hands over Amanda's quivering back and arms, warming her up gently.

"Relax, baby. You'll be nice and toasty in a few minutes. Snug as a bug in a rug." she smiled and peppered soft loving kisses on Amanda's forehead and cheeks. "Sleep now, I'll be right here."

The End


	5. Breakthrough

Breakthrough

 **Just a little angsty stuff. Hope you enjoy it.**

Meeting. She needed a meeting.

The past four days had been gruesome and extremely difficult for the detectives, but especially so for Amanda. As taxing as the job really was, she had always loved every little bit of it but during the past few days she had, for the very first time in her career as a police officer, questioned herself and her abilities as a cop.

The case had completely taken a massive u-haul that no one could've predicted. A total opposite turn that left the whole squad in shock and defeat but Amanda felt as if the whole world had come tumbling down and crashlanded on top of her, leaving her for dead with no chance of survival.

Esther Labott.

She couldn't even say her name, didn't seem to be able to form the two words with her tongue and pass them through her lips. The thought of saying her name out loud scared her senseless and by loudly uttering her name would make it more real and painful than what it already was. She couldn't have that, wouldn't be able to handle it so, instead, she had banned those two words from her vocabulary for good, erased them as if she had never heard of such a name before in the first place.

She had killed her, unintentionally of course, but killed her even so, and there was no denying that. Her hand, her gun and her bullet had killed an innocent human being that desperately needed her help and support to esacape her abusive and deranged father from a living hell on earth. How could she have let this happen?

Olivia had tried to reassure her inside her office when she had broken the devastating news, telling Amanda that it was an accident, that she didn't mean for any of this to happen and that it was an unfortunate event that no one should take the blame for except her father. However, Amanda carried all the blame and self hatred for what she had done and it would definitely take some time before she would look at things differently again, if that was even possible. It was as if her whole look and perception about life bad completely taken a turn in the opposite direction and she didn't know how to get back on track.

"You going home to Jessie?" Fin questioned gently as they both were getting ready to leave for the evening. Carisi had left the precinct only ten minutes earlier but Olivia was still seated in her office, glasses perched on the tip of her nose while her well defined brows were settled in a deep frown of concentration.

"Um, Yeah... it's been a long few days." she muttered while wrapping herself in her warm coat, protecting her from the outside chill. Fin was her partner, a loyal, caring and pain in the ass partner in crime and they would kill for each other if needed be. He knew about her previous gambling issues and that she attended meetings now and then to keep herself level headed and strong but she didn't feel like telling him she was going to one now. He didn't need to know, didn't want to bother him or concern him with her stupid, self inflicted problems so she just kept quiet about it and pretended she was heading home for a nice calm evening with her three year old daughter.

"That it has. Say hi to Jessie for me." he smiled, patted her on the shoulder and left, his steps unusually heavy and slow due to the horrific ending to their recent case.

Just as Amanda turned to leave, she heard Olivia calling her name, asking if she could come into her office for a minute before she finished up. Sighing, hanging her head low, she turned and entered the room, her being full of apprehension. "What can I do for you, Lieutenant! I'd like to get home so I can read to Jessie before she falls asleep." she felt bad for lying but did it anyway.

"I just want to make sure you're alright, considering everything that has happened. I know that this has been hard on you and..."

"I'm fine, Olivia. I just want to get home to my baby girl, that's all." lying was something Amanda had mastered at an early age by being around and brought up by people, mostly by her family, who told their own, made up, version of events to suit their needs better and to get what they wanted. The blonde had hated it growing up. Lying was something that Amanda didn't find appealing at all and only did it when she felt like there was no other way out of a situation or to save someone else, someone she cared about, from danger or for the greater good.

This was one of those moments.

She hated being coddled, pitied or treated differently than others, special or extra attention never sat well with her and she did everything she possibly could to avoid it. Like now.

"Okay." Liv added softly, not knowing what to believe or if Amanda was telling the truth. She was well aware of her detective's tactics and behaviour. "I'll walk you out." Quickly, she powered down her computer and grabbed her stuff, feeling the need to get home to Noah as well even though her concern were pointed more so at Amanda.

"How is Jessie doing? Maybe we could set up a play date sometime, let the kids get to know each other a little better. Noah actually asks about Jessie quite a lot."

"Yeah, maybe." Amanda muttered, not really paying attention to what the brunette was saying.

As they exited the building, Amanda immediately veered to the right, her mind and thoughts completely elsewhere and forgot that Olivia was walking just beside her. "Hey, your apartment is the other way, honey." the endearment slipped but Amanda was too distracted to even notice. She stopped and blinked a few times, gradually coming out of her haze.

"Ugh?" she uttered, her brow furrowed and eyes slowly focusing in on the tall woman before her.

"Your apartment,- it's the other way." Liv repeated while tilting her head to the side, smiling gently. "You okay?"

"Um, yeah! Yeah, I forgot, there's something I have to do first. I'll see you in the morning."

Frowning, Liv watched her scurry down the street, wet from the evening rain, until her gut told her that something was not right and decided to follow her friend to wherever she was going. Her young detective had not been her usual self since the Labott case and she knew that the blonde had taken it hard and probably still blamed herself for Esther's death. She also knew that the stress of it all could turn ugly and cause a person to act and do things out of character or go down the road of self destructive behaviour and, since Amanda use to gamble, she felt the persisting need to make sure that she hadn't relapsed or picked up another bad habit.

She kept out of sight as she hurried after her colleague, making sure she was at a safe distance and wouldn't be seen if Amanda did happen to turn around. She never did.

After only a few minutes the blonde suddenly took a right turn and entered a big brick building and Olivia knew the place was a community hall where various public meetings were held. Then it clicked and relief spread through her whole body and mind.

Amanda wasn't gambling again. She was simply struggling after everything that had happened and was obviously in need of some extra support and reassurance from people who had similar mindset, similar views and similar way of thinking as herself, people who had gone through the struggles of addiction and were still battling the sporadic and sudden waves of strong urges and need to gamble again.

It tugged at her heart thinking that her detective, her friend and colleague, had been under so much pressure and guilt that she required a meeting and couldn't come to her, or anyone else on the team instead, about what was troubling her, to talk, to vent, to scream or even cry.

She felt as if she had failed Amanda by not pushing her to talk and to open up about what was going on inside her head since Esther's death. She should've pressed harder, should've kept a closer eye on her young detective since that awful moment only four days ago. It was obvious that Amanda was in emotional pain and distress and the need to ease that guilt and remorse was welling up in her chest, a deep and strong pressure from within that threatened to spew out any second. She then realized that the feeling she had was quite similar to what she would experience when Noah got hurt, sick or even if he just had a bad day in school or in general. The need to comfort and nurture was inevitable and leaving Amanda alone to deal with the demons in her head was totally out of the question.

For nearly one hour Olivia waited outside the building in the cold November air before she caught a glimpse of golden hair swirling in the wind, also noticing how defeated and exhausted she looked as she hurried down the steps right to where Olivia was waiting.

"Amanda."

As soon as she heard her name being called, she came to an abrupt stop while flinching, her eyes immediately locking with the deep concerned brown gaze of her boss. "Liv? Wh... what are you doing here? Are you following me?"

Sighing, Liv took a step closer to the blonde while trying to concentrate on keeping her voice as calm and non threatening as possible. "Can you blame me, Amanda? I was worried about you. You haven't been the same ever since the Labott case and you won't talk about it,- to me or anyone else for that matter. I just wanted to make sure that..."

"That what?" Amanda growled, anger bubbling up to the surface. "That I wasn't gambling again? That I hadn't been sucked in to a deep black whole of self pity and destruction? Yeah, I thought about it, a lot, the gambling, the rush and adrenaline that comes with it but I would never, _ever,_ do that to Jessie. She's all I have and she is the only one that I can consider as family and I wouldn't risk that for the world so you can relax, Lieutenant, go home to Noah, worry about him, talk to him, be with him. Talking isn't my thing, Lieutenant, so if you want me to bare my soul to you, to cry it all out on your shoulder so you can feel better about yourself, you couldn't be more wrong. Go home to your son, Olivia. I'll see you in the morning."

She passed the brunette out, slightly bumping into her shoulder as she did so, immediately picking up speed to get a safe distance between herself and her boss to avoid any further confrontations.

"Amanda, wait!" Liv gently grabbed her by the wrist, stopping her from escaping. "I'm sorry." she whispered sincerely. "I shouldn't have followed you, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay, honestly. You can be mad and angry all you want but I know, as well as you, that you would've done the same thing for me, am I right? As a friend I was, and still am, worried about you. Can you understand that?"

She hated it when Olivia was right. If she thought that her boss was in trouble she would of course want to know what she could do to help but it was different when it came to herself. She would never purposely create drama or draw attention to herself because she hated the limelight and people's pity. Yet, here she was, in the spotlight of her boss' focus even though she had tried so hard not to make herself seen as vulnerable and weak.

"Amanda, say something, please." she begged, her fingers still wrapped around a slender wrist. "Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say, Liv? You want me to pour my heart and soul out to you, to confide in you, tell you all my secrets and thoughts? I don't think so. You're wasting your time. Go home to Noah."

"Lucy is looking after him for another couple of hours. I'm not worried about Noah, I'm worried about you right now and you can push me away all you want but I'm not going anywhere. Honey, whatever it is that you're dealing with it's eating you up and it's not gonna stop unless you deal with it, trust me."

"Whatever I'm dealing with?!" Amanda snorted angrily. "What I'm dealing with is that I killed an innocent victim, I put a bullet through her skull and she's dead because of it, that's what I'm dealing with!" blue eyes welled up with tears and began to spill down wind flushed cheeks, leaving marks in their wake. "And yes, it's eating me from the inside out because I fucking deserve it. I deserve the pain, the guilt, the remorse, I deserve it all because I took a life, a life worth living, and there's no coming back from that, ever."

As Amanda continued to vent, to yell and shout out her pain, Olivia fought her own tears but somehow managed to push past it and instead she reached out towards the ranting young woman and placed both of her hands on wet cheeks, cupping her face in a firm but gentle hold, trying to calm her down, whispering. "Honey, stop."

Amanda's breathing hitched at the sudden physical contact and she immediately fell silent, chest heaving with a steady swelling of guilt and angst, bottom lip quivering with emotion and salty drops continued to make their way down already stained smooth skin. "It hurts!" she whimpered, her words strangled and full of agony. "It hurts so god damn much, Olivia, and I don't know what to do with all the pain. It's... it's unbearable, I... I can't take it."

She clutched at her chest, tugging at her thick winter coat to try and ease the tightness and the ache of devastating and destructive demise, unthinkable pain ripping through her body like an electrical current, causing her legs to tremble and her head to spin. "IT HURTS!" wailing, she now roughly began to cling to the front of the brunette's jacket, trying to hold herself up on two shaky legs.

Olivia finally lost the battle with her own tears that were brimming in her eyes, stinging and burning with compassion and empathy for her youngest detective, her digits turning wet from Amanda's hot tears as her thumbs desperately tried to wipe them away but to no use. There was nothing she could do or say, at that moment, to ease some of the excruciating agony that Amanda was currently going through. Nothing.

Tenderly, Olivia pulled her in, hands still cupping her painfilled features and placed her lips against Amanda's forehead, caressing the soft skin, cooing gently, rocking them both from side to side, not paying attention to the curious stares that were thrown their way from people walking past, carrying on with their daily routines. "I know it hurts, sweetheart, I know it hurts. We're gonna try to make it stop, okay? We'll try to make it stop."

Amanda held on, mortified for breaking down in front of her boss but at the same time there was a tangible feeling of calm and comfort radiating from the older woman, causing her to melt even further into the warm and tender embrace. The soothing scent of frensh vanilla and fruity shampoo swept through her nostrils, unexpectedly calming her senses, feeling the tightness in her chest ease up, even just the smallest little bit.

"I'm so tired." she mumbled through her tears, throat clogged and hoarse from mucous and strain. "I just want to sleep but every time I close my eyes I see Esther's face. It's constantly haunting me, day or night and I can't take it anymore, Olivia, I just can't take it anymore."

The desperate tone in Amanda's voice etched itself deep in her heart and she knew that it would stay there for a long period of time, possibly forever. The weight of the blonde sagged against her, obviously exhausated by the continuous guilt and remorse that tortured her whole being, and Liv immediately let go of her face and pulled the weakened body against her front, cradling her like she was the most fragile and precious thing in the world. "I am so sorry you're going through this, Amanda, I really am."

Amanda took a shuddering breath, filling her lungs with crisp cold air and she could almost taste the inevitable approaching snow. Her cheek was gently pressed against the front of Olivia's wholly jacket, feeling the brunette's fingers brush through her fair tresses of wind swept hair, finding herself relaxing under the tender touch, a touch that she usually would pull away from and avoid at any cost, but now,- this time, it felt different, it was soothing and somewhat liberating.

Maybe this was the turning point? Maybe things would start to look up after all? Maybe this was what she needed,- a breakthrough.

The End


	6. She Keeps Me Warm

She Keeps Me Warm

The icy water pierced her skin like a thousand knives. Just as she broke the surface of the murky, almost black, wintery Hudson river, her lungs screaming for air as the shock from the freezing temperature penetrated her body. If she did take a breath she would surely die, there was no doubt about that, and if she died then Jessie would have to grow up without her mother.

There was no way she would let that happen.

Instead, she pushed through the wall of ice cold water and swam deeper and faster, down towards the bottom, if she could reach it, but she couldn't see anything but her grey and murky surroundings. Where did she go? She saw the girl jump in only seconds ago, undoubtedly with the only thought of ending her own life, but Amanda had been quick to act, too quick for Fin, Carisi and Olivia, who had been a few yards behind her, to stop her from jumping in to the rescue.

There was no sign of the girl, and she was beginning to think that she was searching in the wrong place all together, when her right hand suddenly came in contact with something soft. The girl hair. Quickly, she grabbed a handful of it and began to pull. The fact that the human body becomes significantly lighter when in water didn't help Amanda much. It still felt like a dead weight to drag and haul towards the surface and the fact that she was wearing boots made the whole thing seem impossible.

However, somehow she broke the surface, gasping for air while trying to keep both of their heads above water, her legs and feet desperately treading and kicking against the strong current.

"Rollins!"

It was Fin, her partner, shouting at the top of his lungs as he watched the soaking wet blonde struggle with the weight of another body in her arms, fighting to stay afloat. Gasping and sputtering at the salty water Amanda pulled the dead weight of the girl towards the pier, where all her colleagues were lined up, their arms outstretched, ready to assist and pull them both out of the freezing river.

Just as Amanda felt all her strength dissipate and her head sunk beneath the surface, a large warm hand wrapped around her left wrist and pulled her back up. More hands were suddenly all over her body, hauling her out of the water and onto the concrete surface of the pier, her head spinning and her eyes drooping, exhausted from the draining ordeal.

"Amanda? Amanda, honey, can you hear me?"

It was a soft voice, Olivia's voice. She wanted to answer but her body wouldn't let her and all that came out of her mouth was sea water, the salty taste so intense that she could feel everything she had eaten that morning come back up. "Help me turn her to the side. Quickly!"

She could feel herself being moved, she could hear her teammate's voices but they all sounded so far away, like they were calling out to her from a distance even though she knew they were only inches away from her. The water kept spewing out of her mouth, afraid that it would never stop and she was surprised as to how much water she must've swallowed during the short period she had spent in the cold river.

Amanda's head was overwhelmed with sweeping thoughts, feelings and voices but one thing was clear in her mind; the girl! Was she okay? Was she breathing? Was she alive? If the whole squad was by her side, making sure she was okay, then who was aiding the young woman? No matter how tired, how exhausted and how difficult it was to catch her breath, she gathered all the strengths she could possibly muster and stuttered incoherently.

"Th... the gi... girl." it shocked her as the words came sputtering out. She could barely recognize her own voice as it sounded like a disturbing gurgle, a gruesome growl or some kind of animalistic noise that she had never heard before and it scared her. However, her worries were soon elated as she was told that the girl was doing fine, that she was fully conscious and breathing on her own.

Slowly Amanda started to come around and, after a minute or two, she surprised everyone by pushing herself up into a seated position, swaying slightly but clear headed and alert. She was slightly puzzled when she spotted two patrol cars and an ambulance about twelve feet away. They hadn't been there when she had thrown herself into the water and she had definutely not heard the sirens that surely must've accompanied the crew.

She saw the young woman lying on the gurney, covered in blankets and foil wrap to keep her warm and to prevent hypothermia and it wasn't until then that Amanda realized how cold she actually was herself. It kicked in suddenly and her whole body began to violently tremble, teeth shattering and breating hitched, feeling as if even her bones were shivering inside of her.

"She needs to go to a hospital." she heard Carisi say but Amanda was quick to answer.

"I'm f... fine." she didn't sound convincing even to herself but was determined not to go.

"Honey, you need to see a doctor. You almost drowned." Olivia stated, while wrapping an arm around her upper body for warmth and support. "We need to get you warmed up."

"I said no. I... I'll be fine. I'm okay."

"Amanda..." Fin insisted.

"NO! I'm not going." she argued, roping her own arms around her torso, desperate for some heat and felt as though she would never warm up again. "I... I can wa... warm up a... at home." she stuttered between clenched but shattering teeth, her limbs now seazing up due to the extreme cold.

She could hear Olivia sigh heavily but didn't care. Her mind was made up and she was sticking to her decision, even if it was a stupid and an irresponsible one. Before Fin could argue back, Olivia shot him a glare saying 'don't start', knowing very well that there was no use, fully aware of how stubborn her detective really was and there was no way of talking her out of this one.

Liv made a quick decision. "Okay, I'm taking you home so you can change and warm up and I want no arguments about it, it's an order."

"Fine." she muttered and tried to get up and onto her feet. The cold had caused her legs to go semi numb and, as she took a step forward, she lost her balance and nearly tumbled over. If it wasn't for Olivia, she would be laying face down on the hard concrete, probably gushing blood from her nose and other various places. The older woman had instantly wrapped both her arms around Amanda's middle and had pulled her back towards her, pressing the soaking wet body against her front.

"Whoa, easy honey. Let us help you to the car, come on, nice and slow." she instructed while Fin supported her from the side and Carisi made sure a patrol officer would take them straight to Amanda's place.

Inside the car Olivia told the uni to blast up the heat and to turn the sirens on, not wanting to waste any time in traffic since the young detective was shivering so violently and her skin was slowly turning ghostly white and pasty. As the car sped down the streets, Olivia shrugged her jacket off and draped it across Amanda's lap, rubbing her hands vigorously up and down trembling arms, willing warmth into the frozen limbs.

"We're almost there, honey. How do you feel?" maybe it was a stupid question since it was quite obvious that she wasn't feeling well at all but she felt the need to ask for her own peace of mind and to calm her own nurturing instincts.

"C... co... ld." came the forced reply, teeth shattering so loudly that Olivia thought they were, without a doubt, about to chip or break.

"I know, sweetheart. We'll get you warmed up in no time as soon as we get you inside. Is Jessie at home with the sitter?" she could feel the forceful tremours coming from the younger woman and she unconsciously picked up the speed with her hand, rubbing it up and down, hoping to administer some heat and comfort.

"Sh... she's at day...care. Coll...ecting her at f...five." Amanda struggled to get the words out as if it was the greatest task she had ever endured and she could feel her eyes starting to droop as the smallest amount of heat began to radiate from Olivia's coat and her vigorously rubbing hands.

"Okay, we'll get her back here by five, until then I don't want you to worry about anything except getting yourself warmed up." Amanda was too cold, too tired to argue back. Instead she nodded shakily and tried to offer Olivia even the smallest of smiles but it came out more like an involuntary facial spasm. The brunette looked out the car window and was relieved to see that they were only two blocks away from their destination and she began to get herself ready so she could quickly get out of the car and help the young blonde inside.

As soon as the car came to a stop, Liv jumped out and made her way to the other side to support Amanda as she tried to stand on her own on trembling and frozen limbs. "Lean on me, honey. I don't want you to fall and hurt yourself." she whispered tenderly while pulling the shivering woman against her side and, with the officer's help, they got Amanda into the elevator and inside the warmth of her own home.

Once they were alone inside the apartment, Amanda staggered towards her bedroom, adamant to take a hot shower to warm her bones when Olivia came up behind and gently grabbed her by the shoulder. "Where are you going?"

"Shower." she muttered, all she could think of was getting warm, the faster the better.

"No way." Liv stopped the blonde before she reached the bathroom and instead guided her towards the bed. "You're absolutely freezing cold and a hot shower could cause your body to experience shock. We have to warm you up slowly, honey. Where do you keep your pj's?"

Even in her violent shivering state, Amanda did manage to roll her eyes, not liking the fact that Liv was coddling her and that the brunette would more than likely have to help her get changed and under the covers. She gestured with a jerky nod towards a big dresser positioned underneath the bedroom window, her legs now trembling so hard that just a simple task, as standing, proved to be incredibly difficult.

After rummaging through the top drawer in a hurry, Liv had found a pair of flannel bottoms with a matching long sleeved shirt, a black pair of panties and a pair of wooly bed socks for the blonde to change into. She took the clothing offered to her and began the tremendous task of discarding the completely drenched garments, that were clinging to her like a second skin, but it was nearly impossible due to the numbness in her fingers and hands.

Olivia tried to keep herself busy by grabbing a towel from the bathroom and a blanket from the end of the bed, not wanting to make the blonde uncomfortable by ogling her up and down while she clearly struggled with the soaked clothing. Eventually, Liv ran out of things to occupy herself with and decided to just offer her detective some help, feeling bad for her young subordinate.

"Let me help you, Amanda." she offered gently while positioning herself in front of the shaking form, placing her warm hands on frozen ones to stop them from tearing and pulling at the wet navy blue blouse she was wearing and she could instantly see the reluctance and weariness written across Amanda's face. "I won't look, I promise, but we need to get you out of these wet clothes and into some dry ones."

It was getting harder by the second to keep her eyes open, the violent shaking making her body exhausted to the very core. Eventually she slowly raised her arms so Liv could pull the clinging material off of her, leaving her in a white lace bra that didn't leave much for the imagination once it was wet. The shoes had already been removed by the front door so the black jeans were next on the agenda, followed by her dripping socks. Now, half naked and shivering like a leaf, made even Olivia slightly unsure of how to proceed from here.

"I need to remove your underwear and I know how uncomfortable this must be for you but, as I said, I promise I won't look and I'll be as quick as I can, okay?"

Amanda just wanted to feel warm again, desperate for that content feeling of being nice and snug underneath the covers in her own bed. Having her boss see her naked was extremely embarrassing and highly inappropriate but there didn't seem to be any other options in that very moment and her trembling only seemed to increase by the minute. She gave Olivia her consent and felt her cheeks bloom into a pink colour as the brunette wrapped her arms around her middle and unhooked her bra. Letting the straps fall down toned arms, it was fully removed and revealed two nicely pert breasts, nipples hard and tainted in a faint bluish colour due to the cold, matching her quivering lips.

"Jesus, Amanda! I should've taken you to a hospital." she gasped while trying not to look at the erect buds like she had promised only seconds ago. The blonde looked so cold, so incredibly cold and frozen that it broke Liv's heart into a thousand little pieces. "Your nipples are blue, honey. Please, let me take you to..."

"I'll be fine. Pl...please, ju...just don't loo...k." she pleaded, shame and embarrassment creeping up and she tried to cover herself, feeling extremely exposed.

"I'm not looking at you in a sexual or a judging way, sweetie. I'm just very concerned for your wellbeing and I just want to make sure you're okay." she added softly while stroking damp blonde tresses away from her face, her fingertips lingering on a chilled flushed cheek. "Can you hold your arms out for me so I can get the shirt on?"

They had overcome one hurdle, now they were facing another. "Can you step out of your panties if I pull them down and I'll be really quick to help you into a dry pair along with the pants?"

"Pro...promise you won't look?" Amanda questioned wearily, searching Olivia's brown eyes for an honest answer.

"I promise you that I won't look but, even if I did, you have nothing to be ashamed of, honey. You are beautiful, your body is beautiful and don't let anyone else tell you any different." smiling, Liv gently rubbed her hands up and down her shivering arms before slipping her fingers underneath the elastic of her panties, giving them a gentle tug. When they pooled by Amanda's ankles, the blonde took an unsteady step to her left while Liv quickly tossed them to the side, not wanting Amanda to get tangled up in them, fall or get hurt.

Less than thirty seconds later, Amanda was dressed and seated on the edge of the bed while the brunette gently slipped the warm bed socks onto her frozen feet. "You're as cold as ice." she stated in deep concern while rubbing the numb limbs between her hands for a minute before helping the younger woman to lie down, her head resting on a towel, that had been spread out over her pillow, to soak up any excess moisture from her hair, even though it was nearly dry.

Olivia tenderly tucked the extra blanket around the shaking, almost convulsing, form. Looking down at her young detective with empathy and compassion, she cupped a cold cheek with her right hand, brushing the pad of her thumb across the delicate skin just beneath her eye. "How're you feeling? Do you need anything?"

Amanda was so relieved to be under the covers but felt as though it would take a whole lifetime to get warmed up again. "Ju...st want to...ge...t wa...rm." she stuttered and crawled into herself, creating a ball like shape, trying to warm herself up in any way possible. "Hu...rt...s."

Olivia frowned in concern. "What hurts, honey? Did you hurt yourself when you jumped into the water?"

The blonde shook her head. "N...o. My... my fingers... toes... hurt."

Relieved, Liv combed her fingers through disheveled fair locks, gazing down at her with the most loving expression that Amanda had ever seen. "That's because you're warming up, honey. It's a good thing and it won't last for too long."

For almost ten minutes, Liv continued to run her fingers through blonde hair, gently scratching at the scalp now and then, providing any type of comfort and reassurance she could think of. When the shaking of the petite curled up body beneath the covers didn't seem to show any signs of easing up, Olivia made a rash, maybe even an inappropriate decision.

"You can't seem to warm up, can you?" she stated softly as she kicked her shoes off and looked towards the dresser where she had gotten Amanda's pajamas out of only minutes before. "I'm gonna borrow a pair of bottoms and get in behind you, okay?"

Amanda was on the brink of falling asleep, even though her powerful tremors still held a firm hold on her body. She heard her Lieutenant's voice, knew she had definitely said something but couldn't comprehend or focus on what. It was not until she felt the bed dip behind her and the covers being raised and then tucked back around her again, that she became aware of her surroundings once more. "Liv?" she mumbled, a soft whimper involuntary escaping her lips.

"Shhh, it's okay, I just want to help you get warm, honey. Just relax and let me do this for you." Liv murmured, carefully scooting up as close to her detective as she could and pressed her body against the chilled form. "God!" she gasped at the freezing contact. "I don't know if I'll be keeping you warm or you keeping me cold. Jesus, honey, you're absolutely freezing."

Amanda couldn't help but to press herself back against the older woman's front, feeling the warmth that slowly emitted from the curvaceous body of her boss and friend, the physical contact very much appreciated. "S...o co...cold."

"I know, sweetheart, I know. Give me your hands." the soft request caused two chilled and trembling hands to appear from underneath the covers and held them out for Olivia who gently wrapped her left hand around them both, tucking them tenderly against her chest.

"J...Je...Jessie..." Amanda mumbled, now feeling the extent of her exhaustion as her body was slowly warming up and she became sluggish and unfocused.

"Shhh, I don't want you to worry about any of that. I'll take care of it, honey. You just get some sleep for now." she held Amanda tenderly in her arms, reassuring her that she had nothing to worry about and that Jessie would be taken care of. To her surprise she felt the shuddering body slightly shift before fully turning within her embrace, facing Olivia with sleepy blue eyes.

"You... you're my b...boss." she muttered, teeth still shattering, eyes slowly drooping but fighting against closing them fully.

"I know." Liv answered, slightly confused and amused by the obvious statement.

"You're... ho...holding m...e."

"Yes."

"In be...bed."

"I am."

"You... you saw me na...naked."

"Yes."

"I'm s...o embarr...esed."

"But why, sweetheart? You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. We're both women and you have a beautiful body so be proud of it." she soothed softly, brushing blonde hair away from sleepy eyes, smiling when she felt Amanda lean into the touch.

"You...you think I'm b...beautiful?" frowning, Amanda lifted her head from her pillow and did her best to focus on Olivia's dark brown gace.

"Of course I do. Anyone who doesn't is blind." kissing Amanda's forehead lightly, Liv pulled her back down, tucking her head into the crook of her neck and made sure the blankets were covering every inch of the shivering woman. "Sleep now, sweetie. When you wake up you'll be all nice and warm again. I'll make sure of that."

The End


	7. Fooling Around

Fooling Around

Fin, Carisi, Olivia and Amanda, the whole squad, had agreed on a little get together after a long week, working on a really tough case. The drinks were flowing quite freely inside the bar; beer, wine, tequila and rum was on the menu, each having different likes and dislikes when it came to their personal alcohol intake.

It was nice to see the other side of everyone in the squad, the relaxed, funny and goofy side that hardly ever came out during working hours and it felt good to socialize with one another outside the gloomy seriousness of their job and what it entailed.

Even Amanda and Olivia seemed to be getting on surprisingly well, which was a relief for everyone on the team since the two women never really saw eye to eye from the very first day of working together. Now they were laughing, cracking jokes and even sharing personal things about themselves, even sharing secrets that they never thought they'd tell anyone. They had become very close during the past few months and it was evident to everyone in the 16 th precinct, even the air inside the bullpen seemed more clear and easier to breathe.

The bar was buzzing with activity. People dancing, drinking, smoking, just having a good time on a friday night to celebrate the upcoming weekend.

After a few rounds the boys were the ones to retire first. Fin wanting a clear head the next day so he could spend it with his grandchild and Carisi was simply falling asleep on top of the table, drink in hand and all. After they left, Liv announced that she had to use the bathroom and left the blonde on her own, promising to be back in just a few minutes. As soon as she was alone, a man staggered towards her, a beer in his hand, a few years older than herself, muscular with a drunken grin tugging at the corner of his lips, flexing his muscles so they were almost bulging out of his too tight t-shirt.

"Why is a good looking woman like youself sitting all on her own?" he snickered, swaying on his feet where he stood. "I'll keep you company, sweetheart." before Amanda had a chance to object or even try to leave, he sat down in the empty chair next to her, Olivia's chair, and placed a large rough hand on her thigh, squeezing firmly. "Can I get you a drink?" he slurred, his speech clearly compromised by the amount of alcohol he had consumed.

Amanda squirmed uncomfortably in her seat, scooting as far out the edge as possible, away from him. "No, but you can get your hand off of my thigh." she snapped and drew her lips into a thin line, hoping he would get the hint and leave her alone. However, he seemed to have different plans in mind and just laughed heartedly, but to Amanda it sounded like an evil chuckle that came from the very pit of his stomach, causing goosebumps to form on her arms and at the back of her neck.

"Whoa, darling, no need to be so rude. I'm just here to make sure you have a good time." he took a swig of his beer, his cold grey eyes travelled up and down her body in a luring and suggestive way, undressing her.

"I was," she muttered under her breath, "until you showed up."

"What was that?" leaning closer to hear her better over the loud music that was blaring from the loudspeakers, he exhaled right in her face, the stale smell of beer and cigarettes oozed all over her, making her nauseous.

"I was having a good time and I'm here with a friend." she kept the awkward and nearly nonexistent conversation at a minimum, not wanting to encourage this stranger in any way, shape of form.

Looking around, the man snorted while moving closer to her by dragging his chair against the worn wooden floor, his knees now touching Amanda's. "I don't see anyone. Why don't we just forget about your... friend and go back to my place? I can pleasure you in ways you didn't think was possible, sweetheart."

The way he said it, the way he smirked and the way he was staring at her was enough for anyone to get the shivers. Glancing towards the bathroom door she spotted Liv through the crowd and she breathed a sigh of relief. "My friend is back, have a nice night." quickly she stood up and got ready to leave when she felt his rough hand on her upper arm, squeezing hard, enough to leave a bruise.

"Don't go! We just met and I don't even know your name, darling." he tugged at her arm, pulling her closer and she winched in pain snd struggled against his vice grip.

"Let me go." she hissed, gasping as his nails dug into her skin, leaving half circular indentations on it's surface.

"Come on, don't be like that. I can show you a good time, baby."

"HEY, she said to let her go."

The man kept his firm hold of Amanda's upper arm, fingers clenching so hard around her muscle she thought it would crush due to the power of it. His eyes went into the direction of the sudden firm, deep and threatening voice and spotted a tall gorgeous brunette throwing vicious daggers at him while she approached him, intimidation radiating from her whole being. When the man still wouldn't let go of Amanda's arm, Olivia stepped in between them, got so close to the man's face as she possibly could and spoke in a fierce and powerful voice full of authority.

"Get your hand off of my detective. NOW!"

The grin that had previously been plastered on his lips was now slowly fading, the word 'detective' had clearly made an impact on his behaviour and demeanor and fear replaced his obnoxious smugness. His hand eventually slid off of Amanda's arm, the blonde letting out a shuddering breath as she felt the blood flow starting to resume it's normal course. Liv didn't have to touch him, didn't have to lay a finger on him or confront him in a physical way. Her whole posture, presence and voice was enough for the man to let go of Amanda and take a step back, tail between his legs and suddenly appeared to look way smaller than only a few seconds ago.

He didn't say anything, didn't continue with his braising disgusting boldness of vile flirting or make an effort to apologize for the way he had treated the blonde. Instead, he staggered backwards a few steps before he simply walked away, somewhat in a hurry, obviously desperate to get away from the evident intimidation and threatening air that Olivia was so clearly sending his way.

When the guy had disappeared in the mass of people, the brunette immediately turned towards Amanda, concern and worry unmistakably written on her face. "You okay? Did he hurt you?"

Amanda almost felt intimidated herself after witnessing the strong effect her Lieutenant had on the stranger, admiring her boss' strength and determination. "Um... I... I'm okay." she said, trying to shrug the whole thing off but she could see Liv's eyes scanning her upper body several times, obviously not taking Amanda's word for it. That's when she saw the big bruise on her arm in the shape of a hand, four dark fingers clearly creating a stark contrast against the blonde's pale skin.

"Oh honey! What did he do to you?" soft warm fingers gently caressed the bruised area, checking for any further damage and Amanda felt her skin tingle with warmth as her boss, so gently, touched her arm.

It was as if the pain had been forgotten about for awhile, just for a few seconds, as she felt Olivia tenderly assess the mark, lost in the intoxicating touch of care and kindness. However as soon as the brunette withdrew her hand, the pain came creeping back, her arm throbbing with every heartbeat. "I'm okay." she mumbled, not wanting to let on that she was indeed experiencing discomfort after the tight and rough hold.

"Sweetheart, that must be so painful." she gasped, not believing Amanda's words for a second. "Come on, let's get you back to my place so I can put some ice on it."

Before Amanda could object to Olivia's offer she was already being gently escorted out of the crowded bar. "You can press charges, you know."

They were now waiting for a taxi to drive by when Olivia spoke, her hand was placed on Amanda's lower back for support and reassurance. "No. No, it's okay. He's probably gone by now anyways and I don't want to make a big deal out of it."

"It is a big deal, Amanda. He hurt you, honey, look at the bruise he just gave you." again warm and salty fingers graced the marked area, causing shivers to pass through the petite form. "You cold?"

Slightly embarrassed, Amanda shrugged her shoulders. "A little." she lied, not wanting to let on that Olivia's touch had caused the trembling motion.

"Here, sweetie, take my jacket." her boss removed her black leather jacket and placed it around the blonde's hunched up shoulders, gently rubbing a hand up and down her back. "Don't want you getting sick on my watch."

The warmth from the coat slowly spread through her upper body like a blanket, a shield of protection against the late summer chill. The scent of Olivia entered her nostrils, a smell of flora and french vanilla soothing her senses like a calming balm and she was suddenly glad that she had decided not to wear a jacket. "Um, th-thank you."

The first taxi that passed the duo came to an abrupt stop as Liv raised her arm in the air, getting the driver's attention. The ride back to Olivia's apartment was mostly quiet, only a few sentences were spoken between the two during the fifteen minute trip. When they arrived, Liv insisted on paying the driver but before she had a chance to even fish around in her purse for money, Amanda had already taken care of it, telling Olivia that it was the least she could do for hogging her jacket.

The apartment was spacious, modern and bright. She had only been inside the brunette's home a couple of times before but had never stayed for long. This would be the first proper visit to her boss' place and she felt quite nervous about it, her stomach doing wild somersaults and her heart fluttered with all sorts of emotions that she couldn't describe or explain.

"Why don't you sit down while I get you some ice." gently she guided Amanda down onto the couch, went straight to the freezer, got a packet of frozen peas and returned, positioning herself right next to the smaller woman and softly pressed the cold bag against her bruised skin, causing Amanda to hiss in pain and from the sudden chill. "Sorry, honey, I know it hurts but you'll feel better in a while."

The coldness from the packaged peas was steadily fading and Amanda found herself reacting strongly to her Lieutenant's proximity and body heat instead. Her stomach wouldn't stop fluttering and she was almost certain that Olivia could hear her heart beating wildly within her chest, thumping against her ribcage like a drum roll in an orchestra.

"You okay?" Her thoughts were interrupted by the deep and soft voice of her Lieutenant, her ears picking up on the concerned and caring tone. "Your heart is racing, honey!"

Damn!

Could she hear it after all? Did her heart just betray her by pumping so out of control that Olivia could actually hear it? Was she that obvious? She was left tongue tied and didn't know what to say but fortunately Olivia spoke again. "I can see the pulse in your neck beating like crazy. What's going on, Amanda?" her voice was so perfectly calm, caring and understanding, full of patience and concern.

"I'm okay." the blonde squeaked, her reply a bit too fast for Olivia to believe her words.

"So your pulse is always that fast?" smiling gently, Liv cocked her head to the side and let her gaze linger on Amanda's beautifully clear complexion. "Come on, honey, talk to me! Maybe I can help?"

The younger woman swallowed thickly, her eyes darting around the place, not really focusing on anything in particular, especially Olivia's face that was positioned only a few inches away. "Y-you make me nervous." she blurted out, not being able to stop her words before they spontaneously slipped out.

If Amanda had been looking at the Lieutenant's face, she would've noticed the sweet smile that was being painted on the brunette's lips, but Amanda wasn't looking at her face,- she was looking everywhere _but_.

"I'm flattered!" Liv chuckled lovingly, her hand reaching out to brush blonde stray hair away from her eyes. "Flattered and delighted that I still have that effect on women... especially you." she added softly, her fingers still threading through flaxen tresses.

Blue eyes suddenly met brown, perplexed and shocked by Olivia's confession. "Wh... what?!" Amanda stuttered, brows tightly knit together in a confused look.

"You heard me." Liv whispered as she leaned in closer to the woman in front of her, her breath caressing the blonde's face in gentle puffs, lingering in the air surrounding them. "I'm gonna kiss you now."

Amanda wasn't sure if she had heard Olivia correctly but when a soft pair of warm plump lips captured her own, her confusion finally became clear. Too stunned and shocked Amanda didn't, couldn't, reciprocate the kiss but when she felt a warm silky tongue caress her bottom lip, asking for entrence, she suddenly snapped back into the present and moved her own lips against Olivia's skilled mouth.

It was everything that Amanda ever wanted in a kiss. It was slow, sensual, sweet and soft, like a warm blanket spreading across her entire body, magnifying her senses. Mouths opened and tongue met tongue. At the very first contact they both moaned audibly and hands began to wander, pulling each other closer. When Olivia's hand accidentally brushed against Amanda's fresh bruise, she hissed in pain and automatically pulled away.

"Shit! I'm so sorry. I... I completely forgot, are you okay?"

Amanda felt guilty when she saw the scared and worried expression on the Lieutenant's face, not wanting Liv to think that she had caused her any more pain, but her arm did in fact hurt a lot. The alcohol was also starting to wear off which made the pain more intense and present. "It's okay. It was worth it." she grinned, shuddering slightly in the aftermath of the kiss.

"It was definitely not worth hurting you. Are you sure you're okay, honey? I know how painful a bruise like that can be and how extremely sore deep tissue damage is." she scooted closer to the younger woman and caressed her cheek lovingly. "You okay?"

Smiling at her boss' affection, she leaned into the warm palm and kissed it gently. "I'm okay, but I'm not gonna lie,- it does hurt like a bitch. But not because of you." she quickly added. "Since the alcohol is slowly leaving my system, I can really feel it now. Got any vodka?" she chuckled, trying to make fun out of a serious situation.

"I don't think more alcohol is a good idea, sweetie, but in an hour or so, I can give you some pain killers instead. I just don't feel comfortable giving them to you right now since you're still a bit tipsy. Think you can wait that long?"

Grinning from ear to ear, Amanda leaned in closer, their lips grazing seductively. "I think we can find something to do to kill some time. What do you think? You wanna fool around?"

The End


	8. Robbed

Robbed.

 **Here's just a little drabble. Its been a while since I published anything so I felt the need to write something, anything, so I don't forget how, lol! Inspiration and motivation has been running very low the past couple of months and I'm trying to get back into a groove again. Hope you all like this little one shot**.

Being a cop had it's advantages and perks but, for Amanda, that wasn't the case, at least not today, not this time, not now. She had left her gun at the precinct, well, she had forgotten to take it from her locker when she headed out for the day after her shift. Now, she had paid the price for it.

She was the last one to have left the station and all she wanted was to get home, shower the day away and change into comfortable clothes and watch shitty tv. She had rushed out and therefore forgotten to bring her gun, like she usually did after a day's work. She didn't even make it half way to her own apartment before she felt a firm tug on her right arm and she immediately turned while reaching for her gun but found her holster empty.

Then, before she could even react, a powerful blow hit her right on her left cheek and she was stunned, swaying on her feet, almost falling onto the cold hard ground. She staggered backwards a couple of steps before she was, once again, struck by a hard punch in the exact same spot as the previous and the pain instantly spread to her whole face and then her head. It all happened so fast and she didn't even get a chance to defend herself against the man that had attacked her and, before she knew, she was missing her wallet, her phone and her keys and the man had disappeared as suddenly as he had appeared.

It was cold outside, a brisk late october air filled her lungs as she hurried down the street, passing several blocks before reaching Olivia's apartment building, standing in front of it, contemplating what to do. Fin lived too far away and there was no way she could make it to his place by foot. Carisi was at his sister's house in Staten Island for the weekend so her boss' place was really the only option, even though she hated the idea of bothering her on a friday evening.

With a shaky ice cold finger she pressed the buzzer and almost immediately regretted it as she heard Olivia's tired voice over the speaker. "Who is it?"

"Hi, Liv. Um, I'm sorry to bother you but um, I... I um..."

"Amanda? That you? Come on up."

The buzzer went off, the loud obnoxious sound pierced through her skull, causing her to flinch. The four flights of stairs felt like an impossible task but she somehow managed to get to her destination and was now standing in front of her boss' front door, bleeding from a cut on her left cheekbone, her eye black and blue from the powerful blow, in pain and suddenly feeling very reluctant. The thought of facing her superior officer became extremely daunting and sacary and the need to flee down the same stairs, she had just ascended from, was overwhelming.

Lost in her jumble of racing thoughts, the door klicked and then opened, revealing a pajama clad Olivia, her hair tied up in a loose bun and her face free from makeup. Beautiful. The strong and stunning presence of her boss made her temporarily forget about the physical pain and how she must look, with the bleeding cut and black eye, but when she heard a loud gasp coming from the brunette she was immediately brought back to the present.

"Jesus, Amanda! What happened to you?" quickly, but gently, Liv pulled her inside the warmth and safety of her apartment, closing the door behind and guided the younger woman further in, holding onto her arm in case she would fall and hurt herself further.

"I was robbed." she stated quietly, a bit embarrassed about her confession. A cop not being able to defend herself and got beat up and stripped from all her valuables by some low life scum that she would, without a doubt, be very capable of taking down single handedly.

"Oh, Amanda! I'm so sorry. Do you need medical attention? Are you hurt anywhere else?" Liv took a step back, studying her detective from top to toe for any visible injuries but didn't see any sign that would indicate such, except from the cut under her eye.

Amanda shook her head in defeat. "No, I... I'm okay." she said, her voice low and frail. "Sorry for bothering you on a friday night but I..."

"Hey, stop that, you're always welcome here. Why don't you sit down on the couch and I'll get the first aid kit." the brunette was gone before Amanda could protest so she did what she was told and Liv returned a few minutes later with a bandaid, cleaning solution, a blanket and comfortable clothes that Amanda could change into.

"This might hurt but I'll be as gentle as I can." the cut wasn't deep but needed cleaning nonetheless. Looking at the injury Liv could now see a faint indentation in the blonde's skin, indicating that the perp must've worn a ring of some kind, a rather large one, by the looks of it. "Did he take anything!"

The room had been filled with silence for the past couple of minutes and the sudden voice of Olivia caused the younger woman to flinch in surprise, the brunette mistaking it for physical pain due to the disinfectant solution. "Sorry, honey."

"S'okay." she swallowed thickly before telling her boss about what exactly had happened. "I accidentally left my gun at the precinct. My head was all over the place and my mind was just chaos. The only time I forget my gun and I get fucking mugged?! God, I'm so stupid!" she spat, angry at herself for being so thoughtless.

Liv stopped her current task and gave Amanda a look that the blonde couldn't interpret or translate but the older woman soon resumed her cleaning duty with great care. "You're not stupid. You're human, honey. Do you know how many times I've left my gun at the station? Sometimes our minds are just too busy to remember everything and we forget to do things, it's normal."

"Yeah, but you don't get robbed." Amanda snorted angrily. "They took my wallet, my keys and my phone, that's all I had on me anyway." she sighed in defeat, lowered her head when Olivia was finished and rubbed her pounding temples with her fingertips, hoping, praying, that the throbbing would end soon, or at lease ease up. "I didn't even fight back. He just came out of nowhere and it happened so fast."

"I'm glad you didn't fight back. It could've ended much worse than this." she eyed the blonde as she massaged her temples, eyebrows knitted tightly together in pain and she shivered, the chill from outside now finally catching up to her plus the adrenaline was starting to wearing off. "Come with me." Liv queried and reached her hand out for the blonde to take. Amanda just stared at the hand, blinking several times before finally grasping it, her cool fingers creating a stark contrast against Olivia's warm ones. "Let's get you warm and comfortable."

The warmest flannel pajama Olivia owned was now keeping the trembling form nice and toasty, only the occational shiver now and then. An empty cup of tea was perched on the nightstand next to Olivia's bed, Amanda having greedily gulped down the sugary and soothing liquid like it was the only kind of fluids she had consumed in a long time.

"I'm sorry for all of this." she whispered, her head hanging low, voice barely audible and eyes half open.

Liv couldn't help but to offer her friend a sad smile, even though Amanda couldn't see it, and placed a hand on the shoulder closest to her. "Don't be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry for. Just rest and everything will be better in the morning."

Amanda could feel the mattress next to her move and felt the brunette pulling down the covers for her, so she could easily get in, but a sudden fear of being left on her own took a strong hold of the woman and she quickly reached out and grabbed onto one of Olivia's hands, keeping her from leaving. "Please, stay." she mumbled, hating how pitiful and weak she sounded to her own ears.

The brunette felt her heart swell at the sight of Amanda's pleading eyes, full of sleep and vulnerability. How could she possibly deny her friend anything? Especially after what she had just experienced. "Scoot over a bit, sweetie."

Moving, even the slightest little bit, seemed like the greatest task in the whole world but the thought of having Olivia's body pressed up against her own made her movements just that little bit easier. Amanda was positioned on her back, eyes blinking in attempt to keep them open but failing miserably. "Come here, sweetheart."

Opening her arms for Amanda to crawl into, the blonde turned to her side and tucked her head comfortably on the older woman's shoulder, her face nustling against Olivia's warm and soft neck and she wrapped an arm around her boss' waist, holding onto the person she would do anything for.

Olivia.

The End.


	9. Losing The Battle!

**Hi, guys. I know I haven't written anything in ages. I started a new job about six weeks ago and I also started college so there hasn't been much free time for me lately but I write when I get a chance, even though it's only a sentence here and there. I felt that I had to post something soon so I jotted something together just to keep myself active and so I wouldn't get completely stuck.**

 **This is just a little drabble about nothing in particular and it's not from an episode of the show. I hope you like it!**

Losing The Battle.

"I don't know how you did things in Atlanta but here, in New York, in my squad, we show some kind of emotion, Amanda. We talk about it and we listen to each other."

Liv was almost scolding her for not being upset or shaken by the horrific case they had just solved, wondering why it was so difficult for the younger woman to express her feelings when it came to deeply emotional, disturbing or extremely sensitive cases like the one they had been working on for weeks now. All Olivia wanted to know was if this was how they dealt with things down south, pushing things to the side, sweeping it under the rug as if nothing had happened, never bringing it back up again, never talking about it and just carry on as normal.

"I know you haven't been here that long and that you're still finding your feet but this isn't a boy's club, Amanda. You don't have to prove anything to us, to me."

"Talking is not my thing, detective. I do better dealing with things on my own, that's just the way it's always been for me." Amanda explained, pacing back and forth, feeling uncomfortable and almost cornered in her own apartment. Liv had decided to pop by for the evening after she had finished her shift, sensing that the blonde needed to talk, to vent, to be in someone's company or to just sit in silence if that's what she needed and Olivia was happy to do all those things for her new colleague and friend.

"It doesn't have to be that way any longer, Amanda. We're all here for you and we're not gonna think differently about you if you cry, scream or get angry. Even Fin got teary eyed today and that's something I've only seen twice before and I'm..."

"So why are you here then?" Amanda interrupted, her eyes now flashing with anger, a thick watery and glossy sheen covering the two blue orbs. "I told you that I'm fine. Maybe you should go and make sure Fin is okay, since he was the one who cried, not me."

Olivia stiffled a sigh, wondering how she should continue with the conversation. "I already spoke with Fin and..."

Olivia was interrupted once again. "So what does that make you? Mother fucking Theresa? I don't need to talk about anything. I'm fine."

Olivia took a step closer to the now pacing blonde and gently took her by the arm, stopping her from taking another step and she whispered softly to the younger woman. "If you're fine then why are you crying?"

Amanda stopped breathing for a second, shocked by Liv's statement, wondering if she had heard her right. Crying? She wasn't crying, was she? She brought her hand up and let her fingertips grace the area underneath her eyes, touching her cheeks with shaky digits and suddenly felt a warm wetness against her soft skin. Almost stunned, as if she had never in her life cried before, she looked at her glistening fingers, studying them closely before opening her mouth to say something but no words came out.

"It's okay, Amanda." Liv tried to soothe, her voice low and husky. "You don't have to say anything. I know that it's hard to try and push your feelings aside and do everything in your power to pretend that you don't care but I also know, from personal experience, that it doesn't work." Olivia's dark brown eyes softened as she spotted the blonde's bottom lip quiver and she took a step closer, decreasing the gap between them.

"I... I want you to... to go. Please,... leave." Amanda was so close to breaking point that she was willing to do almost anything for Olivia to leave, not wanting to show weakness in front of her by crying her eyes out like a toddler who scraped their knee during play time. This was beyond embarrassing.

Liv maintained her position and just watched as the younger woman crumbled before her. "It's okay, Amanda, it's okay." she cooed while slowly stepping as close to the crying blonde as she possibly could, arms open, ready to embrace her friend. "I'm not leaving, honey, so get that idea out of your head right now. There's no way I'll leave you like this."

Amanda turned, her back towards Olivia's front, ready to walk away, pushing the older woman with her left hand, trying to hide her face to maintain some of her dignity and pride but Liv knew what her coworker was trying to do and decided not to take it personal. Instead she roped her arms around Amanda's toned waist and held her in place in a non threatening manner. "Please, Amanda, there's no shame here. You don't have to be so strong all the time." she pulled her flush against her front and felt the younger woman stiffen in her embrace. "Just let yourself go, for once in your life, Amanda, please just let it out."

Olivia's words and nurturing voice caused her eyes to sting with emotions, tears that were previously trickling down her cheeks were now streaming, pouring from her eyes in a steady flow as she persistently tried to get away. "Let go of me." she whimpered, nose stuffy and throat clogged.

"I won't, I won't let you go, honey." Liv persisted, tightly holding onto the woman she had come to care for so much during the short period of time they had been working together. She rested her chin on Amanda's shaking shoulder, cooing softly into her ear. "I won't let you go."

Amanda gave up. Never in her life had she felt so vulnerable, so weak, so drained. Unwillingly she crumbled, her knees giving up, surrendering underneath her weight and she completely collapsed downwards. If it wasn't for Olivia's strong arms holding her she surely would've fallen onto the cold hard floor of her own kitchen in a sobbing mess.

Olivia held her up, tightening her arms around the blonde's middle as soon as she felt her slip. "Shhh, sweetheart! Shhh, that's it, my love, that's it." struggling, Liv somehow managed to turn the younger woman in her arms so that they were front to front and dragged them both towards the couch and sat down, Amanda tucked securely against her side, guiding her head onto her collarbone and softly began to caress the blonde tresses.

Again, just as Liv had started her soothing motion with her hand, Amanda began to squirm, trying to pull away from the physical contact like she had a moment ago but, just like that time, Olivia pulled her back even tighter. "What happened to you to make you so afraid of your own feelings? Why is it so hard for you to accept comfort and reassurance from someone else?" she questioned, desperately wanting to know why her friend and coworker was so stubborn and, from what it appeared, angry at herself for crying.

"Nothing happened to me." she insisted, still adamant to free herself from Olivia's grip. "I don't need coddling. I... I shouldn't need it. Please, let me go."

"What do you mean by 'shouldn't need it'? Did someone tell you that?" not really knowing what was happening, Olivia found herself slightly confused and had to force the information out of Amanda by asking questions so she could figure out what was going on inside her friend's mind.

"It doesn't matter." she replied while she squirmed and wriggled against the temporary confinement of her friend's arms.

"It does matter, sweetheart, it matters to me. Now, who told you you shouldn't need coddling? Was it you mom? Your dad? Your sister? Tell me who, honey, please."

Amanda suddenly went completely still in her arms, even her breathing seemed to have momentarily stopped. Why was Olivia so persistent in the matter? Why was this so important to her? She couldn't wrap her head around it and it confused her. "No one." she finally mumbled, her jaws clenched together so tightly it caused her head to throb with every heartbeat.

"It must've been someone, or you wouldn't have reacted so strongly just because of a simple question. You can tell me, Amanda. Whoever told you that had no right and..."

"It was my mom, okay!" she shouted, her body now trembling with anger and wrath for the woman who was suppose to take care of her, look after her needs and provide comfort, love and a safe haven, something that was never given or shown to her during her childhood or even later on in life. Coddling was for weak and vulnerable people, full stop.

Olivia got the answer she already suspected but her heart still sank by the confession and she tugged Amanda closer to her front, holding her firmly but tenderly. "She shouldn't have said that and I'm sorry that she did. Coddling or offering someone comfort is not a sign of weakness, honey. You, Amanda Rollins, are the strongest person I know and for you to show me this side of you is just a confirmation of your strength. I feel honoured to be here with you."

She leaned back against the cushions, bringing a still slightly struggling Amanda with her, pulling a blanket hastily over them both before fully settling. "No one ever held you like this when you were a child?" she questioned, already knowing what the answer would be.

The blonde shook her head against Olivia's shoulder and once again tried to break free, not sure how to handle the close physical contact. "I... I never needed it."

"I think you did and I still think that you do." Liv whispered, her lips grazing the blonde tresses beneath her chin, inhaling the scent of frensh vanilla shampoo. "Please, honey, stop fighting and let yourself feel for one minute. Just sit here with me, just let me hold you for a while to show you how good it feels. Please."

The last word almost sounded like a plea to Amanda's ears and she felt as though she didn't want to let her friend down by pulling away. Instead she stopped squirming inside Olivia's arms and went completely still. The warmth, the tenderness and the calming scent from the brunette caused her to finally allow herself to actually feel and experience a sense of peace and quiet within her soul and she unconsciously let her body turn limp and gradually sank deeper into Olivia's soothing embrace.

"That's it, just relax, honey. Feels good, ugh?" she murmured while rubbing her palm up and down Amanda's upper arm as her other hand brought the blonde closer to her, wanting her to feel safe, loved and protected.

It did feel good. Having someone to hold her in such a tender and motherly way overwhelmed her with feelings she didn't want to face but knew there was no way of escaping now. Without being able to control her actions she placed her hand on the older woman's chest, just above her left breast, grabbed a fist full of Olivia's blouse and pressed her face into the crook of her neck, fully aware that she was losing a battle she had been fighting so hard not to surrender to.

She crumbled. Shattered into so many tiny little pieces that no one would be able to put them back together again, no one except maybe Olivia. She drew in a ragged breath, her throat so tight and constricted with overwhelming emotions, and she finally let go of her pent up fear, anger and sadness and let out a strangled whimper that almost sounded animalistic or something that was not from this earth.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so so sorry for what your mother said. She was so wrong, honey, so so wrong." Liv held the quaking body as close to her own as she possibly could, feeling every tremour, every tremble and every involuntary shake that ripped through her friend, wishing that there was something she could say or do to take away the pain and the despair.

"I've got you now, sweetie, you're safe with me." she hushed tenderly into Amanda's ear, brushing her lips against golden wisps of hair, catching the salty drops with the tip of her fingers as they fell down flushed cheeks. "Anytime you need this you can come to me, honey. I'm not gonna think that you're weak or any less of a person and turn my back on you just because you need a little comfort or reassurance. I'm happy to do this for you anytime you might need it. I'm not gonna let you go, sweetheart, I'm not gonna let you go."

The End.


	10. Caretaker

**Hi guys.**

 **I know, it's been aged since I last posted something but life has been quite hectic lately with my new job and I work nearly 50 hours a week. I never stopped writing but find it really hard to find the time. Anyway, here's a one shot that picks up after the episode caretaker. Hope you'll like it.**

Caretaker

"Last night I put Noah to bed, kissed him goodnight and I stood there, watching him sleep... for two hours."

Liv was emotional, Amanda was emotional, the whole team was in an emotional shock from their last case; a case involving the murder of two young children and their dad, killed by their own mother who genuinely thought she was rescuing them from their future hardship, despair and sorrow later on in life. How a mother, or anyone for that matter, could so ruthlessly stab a child to death was beyond both Olivia and Amanda. Since they both had children they just simply did not understand what could drive a mother to do such a terrible and unspeakable act such as killing your own flesh and blood, your own miraculous creation; you own family.

There were tears visible in Olivia's eyes but she did not shed them, afraid that if she started she wouldn't be able to stop. Amanda was afraid of the exact same thing but still couldn't keep the tears at bay, no matter how hard she fought, and several of them slowly trickled down her cheeks. "I did the same thing." she confessed, suddenly feeling out of breath as a faint gasp escaped her tight throat.

Without further thought, Olivia stepped forward, opened her arms and gathered the smaller woman in for an embrace, cradling her tightly against her front, trying to somehow generate enough comfort and calm for the two of them in one single hug. It didn't really work as both women were feeling just as upset when they finally let go of one another, both secretly missing the warmth and closeness of the other woman, a craving for more physical contact.

Olivia noticed how sad and defeated Amanda looked, matching the way she felt herself. "I guess we're both a little emotional right now. This case really got to me and I know you feel the same way. I'm here if you want to talk."

The softness and sincerity in Olivia's voice didn't help the matter, causing Amanda's bottom lip to quiver like a child's who had their favourite toy suddenly taken away from them or fallen onto the hard ground and scraped their knee. She wanted to tell Olivia that it goes both ways, that the she could always talk to Amanda too, but no words came out of her mouth, she wasn't even going to make an attempt to create a sentence when she knew fully well that she would, more than likely, start to bawl her eyes out.

Liv frowned in deep concern when she noticed the fragile look on her young detective's face, watching how she struggled with the inevitable onslaught of raw emotions. "Hey." she whispered in such a tender fashion that it caused Amanda's heart to flutter and a tsunami of tears started to wash down her pink flushed cheeks. So much for trying to keep herself in check.

"Hey, hey, hey, sweetheart! What's going on?" Liv murmured as she once again pulled the smaller woman close to her chest, ducking her head slightly to get a glimpse of Amanda's face, wanting to know what was wrong. "Come on, let's sit down on the couch and you can tell me what's going on inside your head. Is it the case or is it something else that has been bothering you?"

Amanda took a seat in the corner of the sofa inside Olivia's office, as far out on the cushion as she could get, ready to bolt and run away if things suddenly got too much for her to handle. Crying in front of people was simply something she didn't do and she silently cursed herself for doing just that.

"Talk to me, honey. Maybe I can help." Olivia had taken a seat right next to her, very close, a bit too close for Amanda but surprisingly enough she allowed herself to relax and accept the close proximity.

A shuddering breath escaped as she felt a set of warm hands cover her own in a firm grasp, slightly embarrassed that she had reacted in such a way from such a simple physical gesture. She didn't trust her voice as her throat was clogged with pent up emotions and words were unlikely to form even if she were to force them out. She swallowed repeatedly, hoping that the growing lump would somehow decrease in size and eventually disappear completely, but the action only caused her to choke up and involuntary let out a whimper that she immediately wished she could take back as it sounded so pitiful, so fragile, so pathetic.

"Oh, Amanda! Shhhh, it's okay, you don't have to talk if you feel like you can't. Just know that I'm here, honey, right here."

Warm, strong arms circled around her waist and she was gently being pulled into the most nurturing and caring embrace she had ever experienced and she found herself mercifully sinking into it, engulfed in warmth, safety and tenderness. Her new favourite place to be, without a doubt.

Time passed but Amanda had completely lost track of exactly how much time had gone by since she had unwillingly surrendered all her dignity and pride in front of her friend and boss. It was not until Olivia placed a gentle kiss on her soft golden crown that she stirred and abruptly pulled back as shame and embarrassment filled her whole being, her face turning from a slightly flushed pink to a crimson red in just a few seconds.

"I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like I did. That was very unprofessional of me and it won't ha..."

"Amanda..." Liv interrupted, her tone was firm but it never lost it's softness. "...never apologize for this. Never be ashamed for what you're feeling. This case got to all of us and there's no right or wrong way to be or how to cope or deal with things that we never imagined we would ever experience. The police academy didn't teach us how to deal with scenarios and situations like these, it didn't prepare us for the horror, the brutality and the aftermath of cases as horrific as this one. Frankly, nothing or no one could ever prepare you for this. It's okay to be shaken, to be angry, to be upset and cry. You do what you need to do."

The last sentence was spoken in a whisper, a barely audible statement that caused Amanda to turn her head in wonder and frown at her friend. "And what do you need to do?" she questioned. "How do you cope? I don't see you breaking down and cry your eyes out. What is it that you need to do?"

Olivia just smiled sadly and tilted her head to the side a little bit, gracing her knuckles down one of Amanda's wet cheeks. "I need to make sure that you're okay. Making sure that you and all of the team is alright,- that is how I cope. Caring for others is my coping mechanism and it always seems to work for me. It keeps my mind busy and it helps me process everything while I try to help someone else to process and deal with their thoughts and feelings."

"I don't understand you sometimes. How can you be so damn perfect and so... so composed all the time? I... I wish I..."

"You wish what, sweetheart? You can tell me." Liv gently encouraged while running her fingers through golden tresses, waiting for the younger woman to open up.

Amanda looked down, her gaze focused on a miniscule stain on the rug underneath Olivia's coffee table. "I wish I could be more like you. I wish I wasn't the person that wallowed in their own misery just because life sucks from time to time. I feel... I feel so inadequate and useless."

"Hey!" Liv scolded gently. "Don't ever put yourself down like that, you hear me? You are enough, Amanda, and I wouldn't want you to be any other way. It shows that you care, that you care about the case, that you care about the victim and their families. If you weren't upset or affected by this case at all, then I would be worried." Liv turned in her seat, locking eyes with Amanda, her heart clenching as she spotted new tears brimming. "You are an amazing person, an amazing detective and an amazing mother. Do not think any less of yourself because you're affected by a case that lies close to your heart, honey."

Olivia's words sunk in but it was still hard to accept the situation she was currently in. She knew Olivia was affected by the case just as much as she but she had set such high standards for herself, raised the bar too high and was now struggling to reach it and it felt like she had landed with a splat.

"I'm just so tired." The blonde mumbled between tears, her red rimmed eyes drooping and her body slowly began to sink into Olivia's, feeling strong arms wrap around her again, pulling her close.

"Let me take you home, honey. I'll even stay for a while." She offered, her lips grazing flaxen strands as she spoke in a whisper.

"You don't have to do that. I know you want to get home to Noah. Thank you but I'll be fine." She reluctantly squirmed her way out of Liv's comforting embrace and got to her feet, her pregnant belly suddenly feeling heavier than ever before.

Olivia didn't like the idea of leaving Amanda on her own after the day's events and, to be honest, she wasn't very keen on spending what was left of the evening by herself. "Why don't I drive you home so you can pack a bag for yourself and Jessie, I'll take you to my place and you could both stay the night. I know Noah will be happy to see Jessie and I could sure use some grown up company for a change. There's only so much you can talk to a six year old about."

Amanda's first instinct was to say no but something held her back and she hesitated. If Liv had asked her the very same question a month, a week, or even twenty four hours ago, she would've declined but today, right now, was different. Maybe it was the case they had just closed that played on her emotions, ripping her insides apart from anger as she thought about how a mother could so cold heartedly murder her two children in their sleep without hesitation. Right now she couldn't find any reason to decline Liv's offer and she was too tired to quickly make one up. "Okay." She replied softly, her mind suddenly relaxing somewhat, realizing that she won't have to spend the evening alone.

The kids were so happy to see each other and got permission from both of their separate parents to stay up an hour later than usual to play. Liv had made up the fold out guest bed for Jessie to sleep on and offered Amanda her own bed and she, herself, would take the couch. "There's no way I'm kicking you out of your own bed. I'll take the couch."

Olivia sighed while she slowly approached the heavily pregnant woman and placed a hand on the protruding stomach in front of her. "This, right here, is the reason to why you're taking the bed. You need proper rest, honey, and so does the baby. This is not up for discussion, you hear me?"

Too tired to argue, Amanda agreed but on one condition. "We're both adults and in need of a good night's sleep so why don't we both sleep in the bed? It's big enough for the two of us. I just don't feel right about making you sleep on the couch."

Liv smiled. "You're not making me do anything but I do believe you're right, the bed is big enough for the two of us and we can both get some much needed sleep. Pick a side, I'm not fussy."

The cool sheets on the bed felt soothing against Amanda's skin and she sighed as she stretched out, her feet and back sore from standing the majority of the day at the precinct. It felt nice to just lay there and do nothing for a couple of minutes while she waited for Olivia to finish in the bathroom. It did feel somewhat strange to be laying in her boss' bed, dressed in a tank top and sleeping shorts but the brunette had offered her the bed from the start and she had just been kind and asked Liv to share. It would seem more strange if she retracted her proposition and have Liv sleep on the couch, besides, she didn't want that. There was a gnawing feeling in her chest that she couldn't quite identify. It was somewhat of a melancholy feeling mixed with, what she suddenly realized, was loneliness. She was and felt lonely and the realisation hit her hard and sudden, causing her chest to seize and tighten and her eyes to well up with tears, for what seemed like the fiftieth time that day.

She was lost in her sad bubble until a voice brought her back to reality. "Hey, honey, what's wrong?" Liv gazed at her tentatively while sliding under the covers, leaving a good few inches between them, not sure if Amanda wanted to be close or not.

Quickly, she wiped at her eyes with slightly shaky hands, berating herself for getting too absorbed in her own vulnerability that she hadn't heard Olivia enter the room. There was no point sugar coating things now. The tears had already spoken and the older woman knew something was up. Amanda knew that whatever lie she would come up with wouldn't be good enough for her boss to believe. The truth was now inevitable. "I... I feel lonely." She whispered silently, hoping that the brunette had heard her and wouldn't have to repeat herself.

She cringed at the words as they came out of her mouth, hating herself for how weak and pathetic she must've sounded to Olivia, because in her own ears, she mentally flinched as she said the words out loud, blushing at the confession.

Liv frowned at the comment and had to stop herself from asking; 'How can you feel lonely when I'm right here?' Because she quickly realized that Amanda wasn't talking about the present situation or circumstances but a feeling she obviously had in general and it saddened her to the point that her own eyes welled up with tears but quickly pushed her own emotions aside. This was about Amanda, not about herself. The Lieutenant scooted closer and covered a flushed cheek with her own warm hand, stroking her thumb over delicate skin just beneath her eye. "I promise you that, as long as I'm around, you'll never be lonely. I'm right here, sweetheart, and I'll always be here for whatever you need. Always."

Like a small child, Amanda curled herself into a ball and snuggled into the warm body next to her, feeling strong soothing arms pull her close and a loving kiss was placed on top of her head before she began to weep once again. "I'm sorry." She whispered between soft sobs, a shuddering breath tickling Olivia's neck.

"Oh, sweetie!" she cooed and pulled the younger woman away from her and once again cupping her face, stroking her cheeks. "Never apologize for crying. It's okay, I've got you."

The moment was so tender, so overwhelmingly emotional that Olivia couldn't stop herself from gently kissing Amanda's forehead several times before moving her lips down to her wet cheeks, tasting the salty skin and finally captured a pink plump mouth, caressing her lips against Amanda's. The need to show Amanda that she wasn't alone and that she was right by her side was the only thing on her mind and there was nothing she wouldn't do for her friend. When the blonde let out another sob against Olivia's lips, the brunette pulled away.

"Hey, hey, sweetheart. It's okay, I just want to make you feel good." She whispered, again kissing Amanda's lips, feeling the smaller woman reciprocate and lean into her. "I just want to kiss you and hold you. You're not alone, honey, you're never alone."


	11. Chapter 11

**Dear readers,**

 **I have been absent for a long period of time due to nothing but zero inspiration or motivation. Even though I miss writing a lot I still can't seem to get the words out the way I want them to and it's frustrating as hell. This is just a one shot drabble that I scribbled down (it took me a while) just to keep myself going. As I said, inspiration and storylines are, at the moment, very sparse.**

A sudden death.

It was just before noon when Olivia received a phone call from Fin, bringing terrible news relating to the blonde haired detective on the team and Olivia's girlfriend of about six months. It was pouring rain outside and had been since very early that morning. Large drops hitting the windows with such force that it threatened to break the glass at times, or so it seemed. People running along the sidewalks with portfolios over their heads to protect themselves from the downpour while others scurried into corners and entrances of various shops, desperately trying to stay dry but to no avail as the wind was carrying the rain in different directions. It was definitely a day for the ducks.

The senior detective, now Lieutenant, had been feeling under the weather for the past few days and had not even attempted to go into work as her temperature had been way too high. Amanda, herself, had threatened to shadow her literally everywhere and anywhere she went if she did decide to enter the 1-6 precinct and that had been enough for Olivia to make up her mind and stay at home. However, three days later she was definitely on the mend and felt a whole lot better, preparing to go back to the station the next day.

Amanda had left the bed that morning with a loving kiss on Olivia's forehead, checking for a fever before getting up and getting ready to face the miserable wet day, hoping the time would pass quickly so she could get back home to her girlfriend, the sooner the better.

Her wish had come true but in the most horrible way possible and she was now sitting in the passenger seat, distant, cold and empty while Carisi drove down the flooded streets of Manhattan. Her body was chilled to the bone but yet she didn't, or couldn't, feel it as her mind was in shock and she simply couldn't comprehend or pay any attention to what was going on around her. She was, however, aware that Carisi was speaking to her but his words just weren't audible to her ears and she didn't have a clue of what he was saying but it must've been the likes of 'everything will be okay, we're all here for you and let us know if there's anything we can do'. Those would be the proper words to say to someone in Amanda's current situation .

She felt slightly nauseous and took a long deep breath to try and settle her stomach but it didn't seem to have any effect as it only made her more conscious about it, hoping she wouldn't lose the contents of her stomach inside Carisi's brand new Audi. Instead, she tried to focus her eyes on the crowded streets ahead but even that proved to be too difficult as her gaze seemed to wander to a particular spot on the dashboard just in front of her. A small scratch, barely visible to the naked eye, very close to the glove compartment and she wondered if Carisi knew that it was there.

It was funny how neat and tidy, almost immaculate, the young male detective was and how everything, on his desk for example, had to be turned in the right direction, angled properly so that he could sit down and do his job without having to look at an untidy desk. The team members often made jokes about it by sometimes rotate the things on his desk, make them face the opposite direction or place dirty coffee cups on it just to see his reaction. Even though he did sometimes find it annoying he still appreciated the banter and the laughs they shared over something so small and trivial but Carisi figured that maybe it was a distraction from all the dark and vile things they experience every day at work and feeling the need to lighten the atmosphere and mood a little bit.

However, now was not the time to inform her co worker about an insignificant miniscule interior scratch and redirected her gaze towards the passenger window, watching the drops of rain roll down the thick glass, creating small patterns in their wake. The sound of the heavy drops was somewhat soothing but also caused tears to sting her eyes for the hundredth time over the space of an hour but she refused to let them fall, refused to cry in front of her team members, refused to break.

Her gaze was still glued to the droplets on the window when Carisi pulled the car to a stop. However, Amanda still didn't register the sudden change in movement and continued to stare absentmindedly through the clear glass, obviously not aware of anything happening around her.

"Amanda?!"

Blue eyes fluttered and she turned her head to look at her friend as she felt a gentle hand on her lower arm, squeezing it lightly to get her attention. "Wh... What?" she stuttered, her own voice sounding alien even to her own ears.

"We're here. Would you like me to walk you up?" he knew how much Amanda hated being coddled or treated differently but he couldn't help but to be concerned and wanted to make sure she got upstairs and inside the apartment safe and sound. Any decent human being would offer.

"I... No, that's okay." She said in a hoarse voice, clearing her throat as she opened the door and immediately felt the rain hitting her. "Um, thank you."

Carisi didn't have time to respond before Amanda had gotten out of the car and slammed the door shut then walked slowly up to the main door of the apartment building, getting soaking wet in the matter of a few seconds. Looking up to where he knew their apartment was located he spotted Liv in the window giving him a small smile and a wave as a thank you for bringing her home and that she would be looked after. He flashed his lights twice before once again pulling out into the nearly flooded streets.

Olivia was ready with a blanket in her hands, the bathtub had been filled with hot water and calming bath salts and a warm flannel pyjama rested on the side of the tub with a pair of woolly socks, knowing that her girlfriend always complained about her toes being freezing cold.

As soon as she had gotten the phone call about the sudden death of Amanda's mother she was sure her heart had stopped for a second, not believing what she was being told but she knew that Fin would never joke about something like that. No one in the squad would joke about something so serious. The time she had spent waiting had been nothing but torturous and full of dread. Amanda was a complex human being and sometimes even Olivia had a hard time reading her, trying to figure out what she was feeling or thinking, trying to predict what would happen next. Usually she was right but during traumatic or even devastating situations she could be very difficult to understand and Olivia found herself slightly nervous about how to approach the woman when she came through the door.

Her first instinct was to comfort. She wanted to wrap her girlfriend in her arms, hold her tight and whisper soothing nothings into her ear. Her other instinct was to nurture. Olivia had always been a nurturing person, always putting others before her own needs and helped the ones that were in need of assistance and guidance, providing support whenever she could. However, it was a whole different ballgame when something like this happened to someone you love, plus she didn't know in which state Amanda would be in when she came through the front door. Her fussing and coddling could make things ten times worse and cause Amanda to lash out in anger but did she really care about that right now?

All her apprehensions and fears immediately dissipated when the door finally opened and a small, defeated and drenched figure emerged into the hallway, head hung low, body shivering uncontrollably as she fumbled with the door handle before fully closing it. As soon as blue eyes made contact with Olivia's brown, the brunette gasped at the pure utter sorrow and grief that was so clearly projecting through thin and fragile lenses. Her mixed emotions and thoughts, she had been experiencing just a few seconds ago, flew out the window and nothing else mattered other than having her girlfriend wrapped in her arms.

Amanda herself had been quite anxious about coming home, knowing that Olivia would be worried and concerned about her wellbeing and would more than likely ask questions, make a fuss over her and make sure she was taken care of. Amanda Rollins could take care of herself.

Or so she thought.

Just like Olivia, her worries, along with her high built walls, melted away as their eyes met and Amanda could feel herself losing it,- quickly. The sobs she had held in for so long were now starting to rip through her clogged throat, her chest seizing and head pounding as she fought against it, knowing fully well that it was futile.

"Oh, baby." Liv whispered, her words slipped on their own accord with tears burning in her own eyes as she took a step towards the distraught woman, not sure whether to approach Amanda fully or wait until the blonde took the initiative to do so herself, on her own terms.

It was hard for Olivia to hold her ground and not rush to her girlfriend's side after seeing the look of despair on the younger woman's face. The apprehensions she had felt only moments ago were now completely gone and she couldn't stop herself from taking yet another step closer.

Amanda seemed to be frozen to the floor where she was standing, dripping wet and shaking. She wanted to move forward, wanted to walk the five or six steps that were between them but she had lost all energy and her legs could simply not carry her that far as she was already struggling to stand. The only body parts she seemed to be able to move were her arms and, even though that too was extremely difficult, she somehow managed to raise them slightly in the air in front of her as her face crumbled.

Olivia was there in an instant, to keep her from hitting the hard floor, and tightly wrapped her arms around the quivering form and pulled her as close as possible against her front, gasping as she made contact with Amanda's frozen skin. "Oh, my baby! My sweet sweet girl, I'm so sorry. So so sorry." She cooed, her warm lips brushing against the shell of Amanda's ear, concerned with how cold she actually was.

The warmth enveloped the frozen and shivering form, penetrating icy skin causing the younger woman to sag more heavily against her as she gasped for breath, trying to cling to the material of Olivia's top but her fingers were too cold to get a proper grip. Her legs suddenly gave out from underneath her but Liv was holding her so tightly that it stopped her from hitting the ground with her knees. She just shook against Olivia's front, not able to speak or even move and she could feel the taller woman hoisting her up in a bridal style position and quickly made her way into their bedroom where she immediately began to remove Amanda's drenched clothing.

"It's okay, darling, I just have to get you warm and dry before anything else." Olivia worked quickly but it proved to be quite difficult to undress someone wearing soaking clothes as it stuck to the body like a second skin. Eventually she managed to dress the blonde in a warm fleece pyjama along with a pair of fluffy bed socks before nearly ripping off her own clothes, having gotten soaked after carrying her girlfriend into the bedroom earlier.

"Are you warm enough, honey?" It was a stupid question really. Amanda obviously didn't give a damn if she was cold or not and she nearly rolled her eyes at herself for even asking. "What do you need, sweetie? What can I do to make things even the slightest bit better for you?" Olivia hated to feel so helpless. Never had she felt more useless and inadequate as she did in this very moment and it was a feeling she never wanted to feel again, especially when it came to Amanda.

Teary blue eyes fluttered as they looked up at the older woman she loved and admired so much it sometimes hurt. "Just make it stop." She mumbled, nose stuffy and chin wobbling like a toddler who had missed their afternoon nap.

Liv frowned at the statement and couldn't quite figure out what she meant by it. "Make what go away, honey?" she softly questioned as she crunched down in front of her defective, tucking damp blonde hair behind Amanda's ear with gentle fingers, knuckles brushing against her cold cheek.

A shuddering breath could be heard inside the room before Amanda placed a shaky hand over her heaving chest and spoke in a whisper. "The pain."

It was heartbreaking to hear her love utter those words, not wanting her girlfriend to hurt in any kind of way, physical or mental and Olivia knew that this pain, this hurt, was emotional and would only soothe and heal with time. There was nothing anyone could do or say to make it better, not even Olivia herself.

The room was dark, only a bedside lamp was offering it's faint light, creating a soft glow. The tears began to burn in Olivia's eyes hearing her girlfriend confess to the emotional pain she was currently experiencing but she had no choice but to swallow her own feelings and focus her attention on Amanda. Not knowing what else to do or say, Olivia placed her right hand flush against the blonde's heaving chest, trying to somehow generate warmth and comfort into the broken soul in front of her. "My sweetest girl. I'm so sorry this happened." She whispered soothingly. "I'm here for whatever you need, sweetheart. Just let me know."

Amanda clutched at Olivia's hand that was positioned on her upper chest, trying to ground herself by grasping onto something, anything, to keep her from falling apart. Yet, it was futile. Her body shook as sobs spewed from her mouth and a guttural wail escaped without hesitation, the sound echoing through the room. Liv sprung from her position and immediately enveloped Amanda in a secure embrace, pulling her against her front as she got herself comfortable in a seated position resting against the headboard with the sobbing blonde cradle like a child, caressing damp fair tresses.

"Shhhh, that's it. That's my good girl. Just let everything go, sweetheart. I'm right here with you and I'm not going anywhere. Just close your eyes and try not to think about anything but getting some rest. I'll be right here the whole time, I promise."

Amanda cried for what seemed forever until exhaustion eventually took over and she finally drifted off into a fitful slumber, sobs intermittently tore through the silence but Liv was there to soothe every single one.

The End


End file.
